My life with a drug addict abusive husband

Anyways enough explaining parts of my childhood, might even do a blog on it, but on to my blog about me surviving the abuse from my husband to which I am still legally married to him. I am posting my stories so HOPEFULLY I can be a voice to someone who has bee through what I have been through to help them through it.

I met my husband around Valentine's day in 2012.

I had a lot in my life going on.....(may write a blog about it)

I had a friend who was in prison and asked me to post him on penpal websites and on facebook groups.

So here I am looking through facebook groups to see if they are even active if people are even interacting with it so hopefully he had someone to write.

While scrolling through I see this very attractive man, I screenshot his info and finally build up the courage to write him, I write him and letter and he sends me a letter along with a beautiful hand drawn card saying will you be my Valentine, I was only 19 almost 20 I was still naive, and with what I had going on I felt alone and the more we talked the less I felt alone and growing up feeling alone when you finally get to a point of happiness and when it gets ripped away from you, you search for it even when you know it isn't the best situation and you normally would know better, feeling alone and having someone promise you'll never be alone you just want to believe, it you know? After about 4 months of talking and getting letters I start to go visit him, I would drive 6 hours to see him, I remember the first time I was him in a visit in person, he came through that door in pressed jeans and a blue t shirt, bald face completely bare, and it was something about his eyes, they are blue, green, grey anything special like that he just has brown eyes, but there was something when I looked in them I felt like OMG THIS IS IT THIS IS LOVE, and when I tell ya'll I loved that man til the day he completely broke that love, I loved that man with every fiber of my body. July 21st 2012 he ask me to marry him, and I believed him we were set to marry in Oct 2012 then he gets in trouble so he gets the right taken away so January 24th 2013, we are married on January 28th 2013, also conceived our first daughter January 26th 2013, we get the paperwork filed for him to be able to move to Oklahoma, we get back to OKlahoma around February 11th 2012, I think everything is fine, his baby mama comes from Cali with their son so we could all meet and they could spend time together, there is big drama that was totally uncalled for and they go back to Cali, one night he goes to hang out with my friend and her man, really her man to try to become friends he either tries to cheat on me with her sister or she tries to set him up with her sister, still don't know the truth sometime from February and March he meets people probably off the internet and starts cheating on me and now that I look back he was clearly using Meth, he eventually leaves to Florida with one of the females he met while I was at work. That should have been the time I should have divorced him or gotten the marriage annulled, but I was stupid and just wanted something  he wasn't giving me, but i saw it as something i was doing. During him being gone I started looking at his emails and his facebook messages, hey he didn't change the passwords, what i found was disturbing, he was sexting with his first BM, even his cousin( ok really his sisters cousin, but they called each other cousins I even talked to her on the phone and she said they were cousins), but I was still hung up on him I thought he was my one and only chance at love and didn't wanna throw it away. Eventually he calls me begging me to take him back and he wanted to be a husband I told him to turn himself in on skipping probation and handle that I always thought he did, which wasn't the case not long after that the drug house he was in was raided and he was caught like that............

This time he has to go back to prison til November 2013 got out right before Thanksgiving, I had our daughter a month before and so like a dumbass I drive the 6 hours away to wait on him to get out of prison/jail he comes out grabs me up with the biggest hug and then goes straight to our baby girl, he sits in the back with her the whole way home and everything seems perfect,  while waiting on him to get out I had started to rent a trailer to be our first home with our daughter, and life is going great I was working and he was being a stay at home dad and also babysitting for one of my co-workers(which i think he cheated on me with her...) life was great until it wasn't come late January early February I become pregnant with his baby for a second time another little girl <3, thats when life started to get bad again, he decided he wanted to work so he got a night job so he could be at home with our daughter during the day. Thats when his fling with his manager and his drug use started again, not sure what happens, but he quits and works at Subway I set up a babysitter for when he was at work because I had a job trip, I packed a what i thought was a black sports bra to swim in I pulled it out and they where small panties, ya'll even at my smallest I have never wore a small panty also I go commando, so yeah definitely not mine. I try to call his phone no answer I call subway to find out he quit while i was out of town and he was lying to me and our sitter about what he was doing while i was at work. One night he decides to hang out with a couple of my friends (my home girl and her man (not the same one was mentioned before)) I go to bed and get woken up to him and them coming in totally trashed and at this time I had only been around people who I thought just drank and smoked weed so I was totally naive to what hard drugs really do and how they affect someone. I start getting mad because he didn't just wake me up, but was waking up our daughter who was about 6 months at this time he breaks our bedroom door and then has me on the wall, and hit the wall next to my head...it was like deja vu why was that? Its because just weeks before he got out of prison the first time heck actually probably days I had a dream same wallpaper and everything of him what I thought was him hitting me i was so scared I almost didn't even go to him when he got out, but I just said ooo its nerves i am being crazy, after that it was little by little, but I started to see the craziness, but me not wanting to be alone and yet another person in my family divorced I stayed and hoped life would go back to normal.....it didn't. After that he passes out and i go to work the next morning thinking ooo he will sleep it off thinking it was just beer that he had just been stupid drunk.

I will finish this tomorrow night, geeze who would have thought it would be so long being a 5 year relationship and this is only in the first 2 years...