tale of the constant need of male validation

*josh

first off, he's a leo. if you know you know. he's got this personality that is so open yet distant. like i just wanna know what he's actually thinking. i crave his attention. not that he really deserves it. i think thats why i want it so badly. he's tall with a slim build. he has a really cute style, its kinda like a toned down eboy vibe. i hardly ever see him in anything that isnt black. he's got a short beard thats always trimmed well and short black curly hair. i love his hands. he's got a huge dick, like its amazing but holy fuck its a little too big sometimes. the sex though... last time we fucked, we were laying on my couch and he started to slowly kiss my cheeks and my neck. he reached his arm around me to squeeze on my ass and, with one arm, slung me on top of his lap. i was fucking dripping. he put it in and it almost felt like heroin. or a juul hit. he put his thumb in my mouth and pulled my hair back. anyways u get the picture he's dominant in bed. the dude is blind so he wears harry potter glasses so it throws in the 90's vibe. we straight up just vibe. we've had mutual friends in our small hometown so ive been around him several times. we matched on fucking tinder in 2020 and started hanging out. by hanging out i mean we would fuck in his car once or twice a week. it felt really romantic at the time. we would text each other all day everyday and be cute and whatnot. i was literally obsessed with this kid. like the choke hold he had over my emotions at that time was insane. he didnt want anything serious and i left that alone once i started going out with my ex boyfriend wayne (we arent talking ab wayne right now though bc hes irrelevant) ANYWAYS flashforward to now its been a year since we've talked. alot has changed for me since then. we've gone back to "normal" but in a very reverse way. josh is like a succulent, he thrives on neglect. i've been very distant with him on purpose. i still see him maybe once a week, and when we do see eachother, i can tell it's like heroin to him too. i take at least 4 hours to respond to texts. just so i know that hes probably checking his phone to see if i texted back. this mindset is toxic i know this. i like him so much but i like having control over him more.