how my mentally ill brain has fucked up my life so far

so what can i say, i dont really remember a time where i didnt want to kill myself, but im pretty sure the suicidal thoughts started when i was around 7 years old. i used to stand at my window and well, i wanted to jump, i luckily never did, and it was a really stupid thought because my room was on the second floor, but well i wanted to... After telling my dad that i wanted to jump out of the window because of him he started crying and my mom forced me to apologize and say that i didnt mean it like that, even tho i totally did! The problem is that since then my dad whould never really take me seriously when i talked about suicide. I mean i didnt talk about it often but if i said that i wanna kill myself my dad pretty much just laughed it off or ignored it, but were gonna come back to that later. My mum was also severly mentally ill, She has BPD, and since she was just lying in her bed all day, for years im gonna asume She had depression too. She was addicted to alcohol and drugs, and She screamed at me alot, she never really cared for me like a parent should, whenever my dad wasnt home i whould just sit in front of the tv or play games on our wii while my mum whould be upstairs in her room. She also was unemployed for most of the time that i remember, i mean she did work at a coffee shop for a while but at some point she probably came to work drunk and lost that job too... well my mom cheated on my dad and I had to convince him that she should move out, because i was scared of her, remember i was 9 at the time! my mom moved out and i didnt see her since then, she still writes me letters and stuff but i never really respond. well years passed and when i was starting middle school my depression got really bad, i went to a different school then my best friend and i basically didnt have any friends, I got bullied for liking anime since 3rd grade, but in middle school i just started getting really quiet, i mean i didnt really had anyone to talk to, i also stopped caring for myself at that time, and i was just the quiet kid with the greasy hair that no one wanted to talk to. i didnt do my homework and i was really scared of school, so i whould just fake being ill so i didnt have to go, in 6th grade my selfharm addiction started and in 7th grade i whould stop going to school all together. thats when my dad finally realized that something is wrong, he asked me about it and i told him that i am suicidal and need to go to the fucking psychward, my dad ofc didnt believe that my mental health is so bad that i need to go to the psychward, but he still took me to a psychiatrist, finally, the only thing i wanted for more than 5 years, and what did that psychiatrist do? he told my dad that i need to go to the psychward. wowww supriseeee! my dad was totally shocked like that wasnt the thing i told him only about 3 weeks before. well we went to the psychward and a psychiatrist there asked me a bunch of questions and when they asked me if i had suicidal thoughts, even tho that question made me really uncomfortable because my dad was in the room, i still said yes, and after years that was the first time my dad actually took me seriously. but well i was at the psych ward for 3 months, and it really helped me, i thought i could live a normal live again, but as soon as i got released things went downhill again, and now i am here, sitting in my room, on the verge of suicide and scared of myself. And im not even sure if things will get better again... i dont even know why i wrote this but thanks to anyone who read until here <3