Expressing your emotions

I think the reason for my lack of wanting or knowing how to show my emotions comes from my parents. When I was little my mother would make sure I never saw her cry in a negative setting. Of course she was an emotional person so it’s not like I’ve never seen her cry. She gets sad at movies, books, songs, and when we’re in church. Well maybe it’s not sadness but just how she expresses extreme emotion. But I’ve only seen her cry in a negative setting when someone dies. She tends to get really upset and it’s understandable. She lets her emotions out and deals with it, or at least that’s what she does now. It wasn’t really like that when I was a kid so maybe that’s why I don’t know how to do that. I have a hard time accepting the bad things that happen to me and allowing myself to go through all of the motions. It’s weird and it’s hard. My mom isn’t the only one who was like that. My dad was too but for him that never changed. He still never really showed his emotions, he didn’t let people know how he was feeling. He wouldn’t let anyone in, not even me. I mean of course he always made sure I knew he loved me. That was it though, I don’t think I had ever seen my dad cry and if I had it must’ve been when I was young and I don’t remember. It’s sad not being able to express yourself and feeling like you have to hide the ugly parts to be accepted in this world. Sometimes I feel like if people know how I’m feeling then they’ll judge me and think less of me. That I’m this broken mess that people should stay away from or they’ll catch my sickness. Because apparently emotion is a disease and we need to eradicate it. Or at least that’s probably how my dad was raised, it would explain a lot. Then of course I end up like that too. It’s weird how one generation can effect several others and cause such a large problem with such an easy solution. It’s almost like a curse but hey that’s life, right?