today is march 18th, 2022. ten days ago exactly, i turned sixteen years old ! i'll be honest, i'd always been a little worried to turn sixteen because growing up is absolutely terrifying to me. i feel like there are two types of kids: those that can't wait to reach adulthood, and those who want to curl up and cry at the very thought of it. i guess i'd be the latter. 

being an adult seems tiring. i'm a very lazy person and i don't like to have responsibilities. i liked to be cared for, coddled, pampered like a princess. and i'm not ashamed to admit that ! there's nothing wrong with appreciating and desiring the more frivolous things in life. but, as an adult i'd have to worry about funds for my little indulgences. that means getting a job, too. i've always been quite (over)confident in myself, so whenever somebody asks me what i plan on doing for a career it usually goes something as follows:

"have you put any thought into your future occupation, raniya ?"

"yes, in fact, i have. i'm going to do something that gets me a lot of money, and i'm going to be damn good at it, i bet."

i deliver the message with such passion that most people nod and drop the subject, however, if you had half a brain you would realize that that really isn't a plan. i don't have one. it comes as a shock that i don't have one because, all my life, i've done nothing but aspire. if you asked me what i wanted to be when i was six, i'd tell you "archeologist". if you asked me when i was twelve, i'd tell you "physicist". but if you asked me now, you'd just get that half-assed cop-out reply. it's as if the zeal and me has been blown out, like a candle in the wind.

turning sixteen has made me realize that i have no time left. i've got no clue what i'm doing, but i look around at my peers in my advanced program and everyone seems like they have the next ten years planned out down to each meal. eventually, i'll have to hunker down and figure out what exactly i want to do with my life. because, right now it feels like choosing would eliminate so many possibilities. i just don't want to be stuck doing the same miserable thing for my entire adult life, you know ? 

but maybe i will be miserable with anything i choose. maybe it's my role in the universe to perpetually aspire and never achieve. or maybe i should go to bed.