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ugh im so fucking tiredddd. these meds im on for acid reflux have me so tired, but its the only way i can stop gagging. before these meds i felt like i had to gag everytime i spoke too much or had too much caffeine or whatever. idk if there are different meds but the fatigue is too much, ugh.
my mom thinks my sister and i are gonna wake up before 9 to take the bus to the mall to apply for jobs, but yet the fat bitch wont work herself. i fucking hate her. whats the point when everyone is gonna tell me to apply online anyways?? i'd be willing to do more shit if the bitch was more supportive, ugh. i genuinely hope she fucking dies, shes a waste of space. my therapist thinks i have the capacity to love her but i deadass don't. i fucking hate her. i may be able to tolerate and act close to her but i'm not, when the bitch dies i'm gonna party.
i miss my depression sometimes, still. probably more than ever. i miss relating to cassie from skins, i understood her and felt alot like her but now i just can't really relate too much anymore. idk. starving myself was easier when i was sad and honestly i need to do a better job at that :/ starving urself is fucking hard when ur on prozac honestly. my fucking sister says it suppresses her appetite, lucky bitch. i wish it did the same for me. i don't know why i find mental illness so beautiful sometimes, i know it's bad and destroys lives but fuck man, maybe i'm just the fucked up one. i've always glorified anorexia and depression in my head when i was younger and always wanted to get into self harm and anorexia tumblr and all of that shit. yes i'm aware that it's all bad but i literally don't know how to stop secretly glamorizing it.
my head is so empty. i hardly listen to music now. i would stop taking these meds, but even when i'm sad on them it worries me. i don't miss the suicidal thoughts but they still linger around here and there.
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