Empty Nest Syndrome

I DO know that I am at the time of year that always depresses me.  See, I'm a single father.  When my daughter was in 1st grade, her mother and I split up.  We shared custody for a while, with alternating weekly possession, and a mid week visit on our "off" weeks.  But, after about a year, my daughter's mother got deep into drugs.  Crack to be exact.

During one of my "off" weeks, her mother was arrested in a raid, an ongoing investigation had shown that she was involved in not only smoking, but selling the narcotic as well.  My daughter's grandmother immediately filed an emergency order, and was able to steal custody from me, based on HER daughter's actions.

Well, they didn't expect me to fight.  And fight I did.  For months through the NY Family Court System, I fought.  They wanted me to get hair follicle tested based on the grandmother's allegations against me.  My hair follicle came back exactly as I said it would....CLEAN.  I wasn't the one using drugs.

After months of litigation, I gained custody of my daughter.  She was in second grade.  I've had her ever since.  But, every summer, she would leave for 2 weeks to visit her grandmother and mother (if she wasn't in prison).

Since we moved to NC though, she leaves for a one month visit.  Not court ordered, just something we have agreed upon.  Me keeping my daughter away from her family would serve only to hurt her, and cause her to hate me.  So I know I'm making the right choice letting her go.  Her mother has been out of prison for two years, and that woman has no idea how lucky she is that her child still loves her and WANTS to spend time with her.  If it was me, I'd have written her off a long time ago.

But the sadness and loneliness that sets in when she is gone is heavy.  Not unbearable, but very heavy.  It affects my relationships with other people, because I just don't want to spend time with anyone when she is gone.  

My daughter is now almost 16.  She got her first job a few months ago.  She's growing into an amazing young woman.  But I get more sad the older she gets.  She has even said to me, "Dad, what are you going to do when I leave home for the last time?  To start my life?".  

And what scares me the most is that I have absolutely NO idea what I'm going to do.  I've done it myself.  Raising a little girl is hard as a man.  But all I can hope is that I have taught her what kind of man (or woman for that matter) to fall in love with.  One that will treat her with respect and love.  That will give me SOME peace. 

But caring for, and raising her, has been all I've known for almost 16 years.

How the hell have you parents that have grown children, deal with the empty nest syndrome?  To be honest, it terrifies me.