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Dear Everyone on Spacehey,
I know that this will be hard to understand, but bear with me. Once upon a time, ya boy was a lonely, lovesick, nerd. He didn't understand social cues or boundary settings. In fact, it was hard for him to interpret many different interactions with others. Strange then, that I could so easily make friends out of strangers.No matter where I go, I have an odd charisma. That was true of every school I've been, from the time I could walk to the time I walked across the stage at Towson. At that ceremony, I was officially awarded a master's degree applicable to a language that was not even my first native tongue.
You = bombshell
Anyway, this is not about me, at least not entirely. But this post was inspired by one of the questions I included in a previous bulletin, one that I wrote intending it to be wholesome and uplifitng. So, I think I'm flouting that, because what I'm about to tell you will not be that all the way through; are you ready to embark on a feels trip with me?
When last we left off, we were discussing my time in Outdoor Ed, and my complete inability to even ask simple and polite questions of the girl I was infatuated with at the time. Seventh grade though, was a whole different ballgame. That's because of:
Amanda M (Cassandra in Slayers)
Now for obvious reasons, I won't disclose her full last name. She came along when I was in 7th grade. She was cute, quiet, and shy. For some reason (especially in the fullness of time) I'm not sure why I went so bonkers for her. Oh sure, she liked me well enough as "a guy she knew back in school" but that was, for the most part, all I was to her. At the time, I thought she had the prettiest smile, and she had beautiful hair and brown eyes and pale skin much like me.
Maybe that's part of why I was so attracted to her. This situation more or less persisted until we were both in the 9th grade together, but man, that was a bit of a ride. She was nice to me, well mostly, and me being me, being showed the merest trace of affection by a girl I had eyes for meant I should start falling for her.
You want to know the kicker, though? To this day, it still sticks in my mind how she once told me that she didn't like me back the same way I did like her, and that she wouldn't, all for the simple reason that "you run like a duck." Like, what the fuck. What a shallow reason to dislike someone. I was awkward, sure, but weren't we all, in our middle school days? Frogs trying to leap over each for the next lilypad in the pond while deep down below, we're unaware that there's a bigger fish hiding in wait.
Cathryn (Kat in Slayers)
Okay, so that last line felt like a good place to jump to another person. In the end, Cat also turned out to be someone who wasn't meant for me. To put it simply, she used me as a springboard to get to someone else. In this case, it was our mutual friend, David (Edgar in Slayers). I've told the story about how I strummed up the courage to actually ask her out. When she took the note and said she would think about it (it seemed promising at the time) I went home and blasted "First Date" by Blink 182 and danced to it, wildly. Luckily, I was home alone at the time.
So yeah, that largely came and went to nothing. She said that her mom didn't want her to start dating until she was 14 (we were in 8th grade at the time) but a few weeks later, I found out that she had gone out with ANOTHER one of our mutual friends.
Ah, the emotional geopolitics of middle school. You think Degrassi is exaggerating? Nope. Anyway, that was a one-off before she ended up with David. Here's another bit - I made her a mix CD and showed her Anberlin's music for the first time. She swooned over "Paperthin Hymn" - of course, how could you not? Things went south, as they typically do, because of what I did. That friendly kiss on the cheek was a capital idea, weren't it?
Shannon (Shanna in Slayers, really creative, I know)
Story of my freakin' life - cute blonde who was a sweet cheerleader type. I can't remember how long it took me to ask her for her AIM screenname (was it that? Or was it something else? It's been too long.) Are you sensing a pattern here? We did chat on there, as far as I can recall. But again, I was Just a Friend. And yes, before you ask, the Friend Zone is a toxic, shitty construct invented by lonely sex-starved boys eternally wondering why girls wouldn't like "a nice guy" like them. But I was in there for the vast majority of my romance-related misadventures. It was what it was...and so it goes.
I'm going to merge the 10th and 11th grade years, here:
Which makes sense since it all boiled down to Abby and Kat (different Kat, that is). I bonded with Abby extremely quickly, probably because we were both Asian. I caught the vibe that she was into me as much as I was into her, but of course, that was wishful thinking on my part. I got it into my head that kissing her was a good move.
Reality: it wasn't. From there, our bond started to dissolve. Ruined a good thing, I guess. Believe you me, that wasn't the first time, wouldn't be last either.
And now as for Kat (Kat S), this little bit is directed more at me than at you. I can't hold you to blame for my folly. You thought of me as a brother and I couldn't not think of you as a little sister. One of my proudest moments, I felt then, was sticking up for you when that one asshole was trying to hassle you at lunch. "Oh-ho, who are you, her brother?" (Because yes, you did have an older brother) I said I wasn't, but that I was her friend and still cared about her. So from me to that dude, here is a hearty "fuck off, you think that's a cute way to talk to a lady?"
You were a sophomore, I was a junior. We met in Creative Writing class. It was the first actual one I ever took, and that goes back a wayyyyy long time to K or 1st grade when I set my eyes on a typewriter and took to it like a wild monkey. And yet, you taught me something about myself. You did shape my musical tastes. You loved the song "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's two years before it conquered the radio waves.
You = bombshell
Me = dud
As I recall, you had cool piercings and you wore corsets and tight jeans and rocked it. You moved from NYC, which is probably another reason why I associated the song with you so deeply. Surprisingly, I don't think I ever encountered your actual brother (was his name Will?)
Despite me making an ass out of myself, we stayed friends until the end of our high school days. The last time I friended you on Facebook, a year or two back, I couldn't bring myself to actually interact with you with any substance. It was nostalgia more than anything. Whatever you're up to now, I do hope you're happy.
In retrospect, I'm hella surprised that I didn't model a Slayers character after you. Probably should have, considering how much you mattered to me. God knows we were closer than I was with Cathryn or Amanda or Shannon. Another missed opportunity, I guess. We could have been something so much more meaningful, but I wasn't the right one for you.
And now, we present to you the comedy of errors that was 12th grade:
Did y'all ever read An Abundance of Katherines by John Green? That was me more or less in real life. Over the course of my junior and senior years, I fell in love with three different Katies. Only one of them ended up giving a damn about me more than a decade after we graduated from QOHS. That's always heartwarming, that someone can still care about you even though it's been an eternity since you had seen each other in person. Life gets busy, though. And until today, I hadn't thought about her in months - pretty much since I deactivated my Facebook.
This feels like a good stopping point. For the rest of my mayhem experienced throughout college and grad school, I'll lay that all out in a follow-up post. I've blathered on long enough for now.
Comments
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Daftd
This is really good, do you still run like a duck though?
Not really? At least I don’t think so.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆
Hey, don't take he reasoning for why she didn't like you to heart! I feel like back then, especially in 7th grade, you had to have a reason why your feelings are the way you are. She was probably confused as to why she didn't have a reason she didn't like you like that so she made up a reason knowing no matter what she said it was gonna hurt. Hope you're doing okay now 🤍
Oh, I am, for sure. I definitely wasn't such a catch back then. I mean, ever since young, I've been an awkward oddball. But these days I embrace it. Back in the day, I didn't really know to cope - or be smooth and charming or Cool about it all.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Right I totally get that. And a part of that is just being a kid. It's at that time that we are noticing relationships and wanting to be in one. So yeah. I mean maybe this part is just because I'm into girls and nbs but I don't remember having my first real crush until I was 15 and I was upset that it was a girl I was crushing on. I thought all my "crushes" before that were real crushes but turns out it was just me wanting to be in a relationship feeling lonely for lack of a better term. Idk maybe it's different for others like I said. But again let me reiterate, don't take it to heart! From what I've seen! You're really cool and charming in your own way (:
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
You know, that's a very keen insight! I was always more the passive observer when my two bestest-friends all the time blundered through their own relationships with girls they liked or the ones they later lost their virginities to; I had a misplaced sense of duty to scold them whenever they were tempted to do something shitty. When that spark is there, it should be nurtured and not squandered.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
"When that spark it there, it should be nurtured, not squandered" you have no idea how much that spoke to me!
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
I come up with very wise and witty things to say online, but once I go to write my fiction, that sort of thing is gone.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
I used to do a lot of my writing online for that reason. If start by writing it down in a blog post on my live journal. Then when I felt like I needed it later it was already written down for me to go back and use. Maybe you can do that.
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
Yeah! That's a good idea.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
There you go
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
By the way, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read and respond to this!
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Of course! For one, it was an interesting read! And for two it's nice to know you're not the only one who went through it!
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
I'll probably do part two tonight! It will focus on explaining the emotional mayhem of college and grad school leading up to meeting my wife. She was my first legit girlfriend, and it didn't happen until I was 26.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
That's so sweet! I'll be looking forward to it! I love reading about the moment people find their true love🤍
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
It'll have to wait, though. Because these stories are so rich with details that it'll take time to unpack. And I feel better doing so after my "work day" is over.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Yes that makes sense. If you have to, write it on here as it comes and save it to diary mode and when it's done and looked over, then post it publically (:
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
Hey, yeah! I've been thinking about doing something like that.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
I think you should! I'm probably gonna do that with my blog posts too so I can get them perfect before showing everyone
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
Yeah, especially if there need to be any edits before you hit publish!
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
*after, not before.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Agreed! I wish I could edit bulletins sometimes for this reason. Lol I was thinking that maybe the bulletins I'm publishing should be blog posts because of don't wanna see them get deleted after 10 days lol some of them I wanna keep
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
Yeah!!!! I'll do that too. Depends on what it is; surveys can expire. But for more long-form posts, I think the Blog is the best place for them.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
I'll probably copy and paste the few I did today into blog posts for that reason lol
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
Haha, okay! By the way, I think this is the most attention any of my blog entries have received! XD
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Lmao that's great tho right? I subbed your blog so you'll be getting more attention now at least from me lol
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report
Yay, thanks so much!!!
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Of course!
by ✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆Indie✧*̣̩⋆̩☽⋆; ; Report