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Hey public diary....
So... A while back one of my friends said to me that I have no personality, or rather too much personality that it jumbles together and makes me hard to read - and they stated that I have no sense of self.
Another said that I relied too much on making impulse choices that are potentially damaging to my body, aka my binge drinking problem and that I had admitted once to doing it when I'm sad because I don't know how else to cope with loneliness.
I'm getting tested for BPD. I know that these two things don't necessarily make up for a whole criteria for whatever I have going on in my head. But I've looked over my life a lot and things add up. Some things are just making sense when pieced together from my 19 years on this earth.
I'm terrified. I don't know what my partner will say to me, or if they're gonna leave which I don't want. I don't know if my family will shun me for having a disorder. I don't know if my friends will think I'm playing around and leave too.
I know that this disorder (if I have it which is likely) isn't one of my choosing and I cannot control it but I am so scared that people will see me as someone who is crazy or playing shit up for attention.
Forever terrified, Kaz
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