Report Blog Entry
god its been a while since i've written a journal entry of any sort, but i've been browsing melodramtic.com via the wayback machine and it's just so interesting to read teenager's thoughts from back in the early 2000s. i envy those who grew up in the 90s and 00s. being a teenager in this decade is absolute garbage, i feel like my youth has been stripped away from me. a lot of people my age have been shamed into not liking the things they liked and honestly? everyone nowadays is too sensitive. maybe i just lack compassion or empathy, or maybe i just simply don't care about other people's feelings, but fuck, i know anything i say can and will be used against me and i will be targeted mercilessly if i even slip up around certain groups i'm in. currently i'm obsessed with 90s/00s internet culture, i love listening to dorian from of herbs and alters ramble on about his experiences with anorexia forums, drugs, parties, love, etc while i make kandi.
i started antidepressants, fluoxetine if you're wondering, i haven't felt depressed in weeks. it feels like i've lost a part of myself, oddly. my head is just empty. i miss feeling sad sometimes. i can't relate to my depressed friends anymore and it feels just really weird. i feel like my old self, from before i turned 13 or so. sometimes i miss depression, but only sometimes. it gave me motivation to starve myself, but now all i wanna do is eat all the fucking time. i'm not really 'recovered', maybe i don't even have ednos/anorexia, but i still mentally track my calories and weigh myself every single day. ugh.
i don't know why i associate mental illness with teenagehood, then i glamorize it in my head. i know it's wrong but i just can't help it. i glamorize fucked up shit. hell, my favorite movie is lolita. sometimes i miss the grey imaginary city in my head, with dark clouds lingering over it constantly. to me, that was beautiful. i see the beauty in the most fucked up shit, which is probably why i find mental illness so beautiful and i become so obsessed with it. i know it's wrong, believe me, but i can't change my brain just like that. also i just don't care to lol
this saturday my boyfriend is taking his mom and i to the movies, one of our first sorta dates. we started seeing each other in 2020, but i've known him for a while. he's older than me, i'm not disclosing his age (plus i'm almost an adult so??? fuck it whatever). i'm exited to see him and to spend the night over there again. i really need to get my shit together, i've dropped out of highschool and i need to start studying for my GED. or at least get a job... i may wait until i'm 18 so i have more opportunities to find a job, and plus i don't want to waste this summer working. i mean, i don't really do much anymore but god... i miss staying up late and chatting with people. when i was 9, i remember scrolling through deviantart journals at 3 am and looking for join.me links to watch people draw, and that's how i made friends. of course, i was a cunt when i was 9, so not many of my friendships lasted. i miss being able to make friends. it's such a hassle nowadays and it just isn't the same anymore. discord is a shitshow, people my age just suck in general, and i just don't care to meet new people.
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Psychologicalminx
Tw/gonna lowkey rant in order to connect with you so might mention my struggles with Ed/.
I relate to you so much struggling with 4n4 and just being 18 and not knowing what the fuck to do in life is seriously depressing on its own I hear my peers and even my boyfriend say something about going to work and it saddens me Bc I just want that for myself??? And just want to be able to have things for myself. I’ve had two failed job interview call backs and blehhh :( I feel sad. Also struggling with body image Bc of gaining but my weight is still low though I eat more now??? But my body has just restored fat/body mass rather than weight…and it’s mostly in the right places lol but my body high key forced me to recover when I got to my lowest with frequent bi^ges so I jaut decided fuck it I’m sick of it n went all in till I started to dislike the changes I wasn’t quite prepared to see.