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I was supposed to write up something about the 7f prophecy today, but one phone call from my girlfriend and it's all out the window. "From" is the wrong word actually, more like "with," since I called first to check in on them. In retrospect the reason I called is no big deal, they're sure everything's going to be fine on their end, but every interaction we've had lately has made me feel more and more like a lovesick teenager feeling their way through the heart stops of their first crush, not a 20 year old woman with a bc and a two year anniversary coming up quicker than I can find an appropriate gift.
For a while now I've had the worry that I rushed into this relationship just for the validation of being wanted, the ease of having someone else take on the maintenance of your self esteem. I do the things that I should, all the things required in a relationship; every action I take is preceded by a question: "Will this further solidify their belief in my love for them? Will this make them feel attended to and cared for?" And I don't know if those are the right thoughts to have. If they're appropriate or am I just indistinguishable from whatever algorithm spits out the auto generated response suggestions you see at the bottom of every email.
Honestly, up until recently I've just been waiting for the drift to happen. For them to move on to better things. They've been looking into housing and I had primed myself for that to be the moment; them on their own, meeting new people, finding their life's passions, and our romantic relationship would come to an organic end. But how am I supposed to be okay with that now? The idea of them waking up in a bed thousands of miles away when every night for the past month the empty space next to me has gained more presence?
It was after our phone call, when they did this stupid cute little giggle and I felt like I had finally really heard their voice for the first time, that I was struck sideways by a scenario: The two of us sitting together, close and pressed like you do with someone you want to share a mind and soul with, like someone you want to live in, and it is quiet and content. I say "I love you" but not the way I have before, this is not a placating response or a machine generated answer. It is different and even though I could never change the way the words sound coming from me, they hear it.
For the first time I'm telling the truth.
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