friends and how to lose them.

on the third of march this year i lost my best friend. no, not by death, though i do think part of me died that night. i lost him because i made a stupid choice. he forgot my birthday and i couldn't let it go. i told him it really hurt me, that he'd been online and posting and yet he'd completely ignored me on a day that had been really important to me. and he blew up at me, saying he couldn't handle me and that after everything we'd been through he was hurt i was upset for something so small.

he blocked me on everything. we'd spoken practically every day for two and a half years. i considered him to be a brother, he considered me the same.

and it's weird now, there's ghosts that look like him in the corner of everything i do now. the shadows of my past self spell out his name. i know the names of his childhood pets, he knows the names of my dead. i know his past traumas and he knows my deepest regrets.

does he know that now he's one of them?

even now just thinking about that night makes me feel like im breaking apart. "[he] has blocked you" still haunts me any time i try to open twitter. the tumblr blog he once laughed along to is now a barren wasteland. there's cobwebs covering the ao3 stories he once praised.

and the thing is he probably doesn't know. he's likely moved on now, or at least i hope he has. but do i? do i really want him to be laughing along with his new found family, the one wher's my empty space is now filled? is it selfish if i want him to miss me?

he was a huge part of my life. if i ever found a platonic soulmate, it was him. i hear his voice - "i love you kiddo" - when i try to think of someone else. he loved me.

i knew of how he returned a ring and he swore one day he'd see me get mine. the only thing our boyfriends share now is a state, and the only thing we share is memories tainted with trauma and slashed through with regret.

i don't know what this was meant to be. i think i just needed to blog, to get these feelings out before i scream.

and if you read this, which i know you never will, i love you aj.