Depressed…

     I normally don’t do this kind of thing, but I don’t know what else to do. Writing has always helped me process my emotions, so maybe this will make me feel better. 

     I just feel lost and depressed and empty and hollow…

You say you love me, but ignore me. You live by draining me. 

Emotionally

Mentally

Financially

Physically

You tell me you love me, and can’t wait to marry me

But you don’t want to be around me. 

“It’s the weekend” you say. But I have work in 8 hours and haven’t slept because you playing video games with the boys all night is more important

Me being cranky and distant is the reason our relationship is having issues

Not that I work 40 hours every week no matter what so you have have your “Saturday’s with the boys” 

I told you I got a promotion and you were mad. I told you I couldn’t call out and you said I don’t listen to you. 

The car breaks down because of me. 

Your late, not because you didn’t get up when I tried to wake you up. Not because you sat on your phone instead of getting ready. But because of me. 

You embarrassed me by walking out of the job I got you because I didn’t tell you to call out when you said you weren’t feeling well. Even though I have had seizures at work and finished my shift so we have a roof over our head. You had a headache. But that’s my fault. Even though you only worked 3 days before you wanted to call out. 

I ask you to do laundry while I’m at work, knowing I’ll have to do it when I get home and it’ll be an argument because “you were going to do it”. Or the arguments because I don’t want to be physical. I just want to be held and tell me I’m appreciated. But if I tell you no, then we argue and you ignore me and face away from me. 

But I can’t escape. Where would you go?…. What would you do?…how will you survive?…

So I sit. Hating myself and blaming myself. Wanting to escape. Craving you’re attention and affection. Wishing I knew what to do to make you love me again. Wishing I know what I did wrong. Because I’m trying. Harder than I ever have. And harder than I should be. But I can’t abandon you. I can’t not know if you’re alive or not. So I’ll continue to lull myself everyday working. I’ll continue to mask my pain with smiles and laughs. 

Because you have showed me, once again, that I am just here to make everyone else happy. 

Im not meant to be happy. 

And 

That 

Is 

O.K.😁