the dread i find among biological family

Sunday posted a bit on Adrianne Lenker and her commentary on her song Half Return (i haven’t heard it, though). the quote reads as follows: “[It’s about] the feeling of inhabiting a certain role when you’re suddenly back with family or people that have placed certain projections on you...when you’re a kid you kinda understand yourself as these projections. And then growing up is so challenging, to just shake all of that away and start to uncover what your own essence is. But it’s like as soon as I’m back with my parents or whoever, I feel like a kid again...” 

i asked Sunday if i had her permission to ramble about tho subject, because boy it’s nothing to me if not something that crosses my mind every day. they kindly said yes, but now it’s been three days of busy rot and like i said, i feel bad for being so delayed. i know Sunday as a kind, sweet person, so i know it won’t be too big an issue. 

what Lenker describes is quite possibly the largest root of my anxiety and dread. my family is one who makes assumptions and sticks with them, refusing to leave their side and forever putting up a fight to keep them. i’m used to their behavior: people who are not aware or welcome to flux, people who think they must be correct, people who refuse to acknowledge the ‘grey’ of everything, people who take years if any effort at all to displace their perceptions of you or anyone else. i think i’ve mentioned this, but i’m extremely prone to “obsessive rumination.” while i don’t exactly enjoy assuming blame or placing it, there is a level of responsibility for their mentalities on why i’m so terrified of being perceived. i’ve begun easing that, knowing well that anxiety’s spotlight bias is almost always lying to me, memories of me fade from those i’m not consistently tied to, everyone’s lives are far bigger than their relationship to me, so on. however, this fear of being perceived lingers still. it’s mostly a sharp sense of dread and anguish rather than direct fear. i fear it most not in the present, as though i’m still young and ridiculous i know i have something of control over myself, but in the past. here is a cut to what Lenker said. family places certain projections on you, and at first you likely suit them. once you get older, get out of that, understand yourself as a completely different entity, family begins holding on. tighter and tighter. the assumptions become harder to crack the more you deviate from them, it seems. the fear i have toward this has caused me to become extremely prone to isolation and detachment. i always fear my past will come to absorb me as people refuse to let go of it, refuse to see what truths of my self i’m laying out for them. it’s terrible, knowing they’ll never let go. i think often about how i shouldn’t allow their assumptions to affect me.  to a degree i’ve been lucky enough to become close with that notion, but the dread of it remains. the dread of my legitimate life colliding with the bastard they raise. i’m very tired, and i don’t feel like this was done too hot. in essence: those who cling to assumptions and rip apart the reality of person are the reason why flux and it’s active acknowledgement is important to me. again, i’m tired