Feeling Gloomy

I spend a lot of time alone, especially during quarantine. I don't like playing video games alone really, not very fun without sharing. I bake a little here and there just to distract myself from my mood. I'm trying to push myself to exercise and go on walks but it's just hard. It's like I can feel the dark clouds rolling in as winter begins. 

The holidays just haven't been the same since I was probably around 8. We used to spend it at my grandmas. Lots of family and lots of presents and good food. It was everyone's idea of a traditional holiday. But then we moved. First to St. Thomas and then to Puerto Rico. I was isolated from most of my family and stuck with a mother that didn't believe in holidays. But you know as a child we do notice when all of your friends show off their presents and talk about their holiday at school. Sometimes we would get presents but they were very small. We only decorated if I decorated myself. I would use my allowance to buy lights and make ornaments. Christmas dinner was cooked by me from age 12 onward. I wanted so hard to recapture the magic but with  just  my mom, little brother and I it was hard when I was the only one who actually wanted it.  Eventually my love for the holiday pittered out. 

When I moved back to the states I was initially excited. I got a few more good Christmases with my grandmother and cousins present. It was nice feeling like I had a big family again. Then, a few years ago, my grandma was diagnosed with Maloma and she was scheduled to have a stem cell transplant on Christmas of all days. That year was hard. On top of her getting sick, my boyfriend broke up with me and I was also finishing up with my undergrad meaning I had to also figure out my next steps. I spent a lot of time crying that Christmas.

After that year, yeah I participate but my heart is not in it anymore. Even when I do try, I don't really ever get the same energy back. 

It used to be way more than just material things. It was about family and quality time. Good food, good laughs, and memories to last a life time. Now I have more nightmares than memories. And I guess that's on Adulting.