just lost my pride and joy, my baby - grief

Hi, all. I haven't been on in forever...

First, I had my birthday out of town, which was quite a bit of fun. Then I came home and immediately got a super painful stomach flu. So bad that I couldn't drive myself to urgent care and someone else had to.

Then...I found out that Chibi, my dog of 16 years, had end stage kidney failure. 

It came out of nowhere. Doctors explained that early detection is difficult because they don't show symptoms until it gets really bad. Chibi wasn't really showing symptoms--I had taken her to the vet because it was her yearly check-up, not because she seemed unwell. Maybe she had less of an appetite, but that has always been normal for her whenever I am out of town. At the vet that day, she was still jumping around, acting normal. 

I had to lay around and be sick. She seemed ok while I was recovering. I was buying special kidney food, giving her meds, and she seemed normal. 

Within a couple days, she deteriorated fast. She refused all food and water. Lost weight. Had trouble jumping up on the couch. All she wanted was sleep.

I rushed her to an emergency pet hospital. Due to COVID backup, the wait was 5 hours. I sat in the parking lot until 3am waiting. She was dehydrated and needed a round-the-clock IV. By coincidence, we ran into my old vet who no longer worked at her old office and now was at this hospital. This vet is my hero. She treated Chibi when she had cancer and truly, truly cared about her. I thought this was a good sign. I left her at the hospital.

After the first day on fluids, she was showing improvement in her bloodwork.

After the second day on fluids, I received a call. The doctor said her kidney levels spiked. Chibi was in stage 4 now. The last stage of kidney failure. After numerous tests, they couldn't find any other causes. It was just that her kidneys had worn out. He said that she needed to be put down that day, or next morning at the latest, to minimize her suffering.

I sobbed and had to leave work. 

I took her with me and a friend who is a photographer. 

We sat down in a beautiful garden. She relaxed and listened to the sound of ducks. We took some photos together. I carried her the whole time because she could barely walk at this point. 

We went home, and friends came to visit. Chibi is an extremely popular dog. We stayed with her all day and into the night. The hospital stay had done some good--she was more hydrated and was even willing to drink water again. We took her to the riverside near my home, my friends ate some Thai food with me, and she laid down on a comfy jacket, in her fuzzy sweater, looking out at the grassy park and the river. 

She was so high on pain meds that she was wobbly when walking and didn't really want to walk. She was so out of it, but I'm grateful because at least that meant she wasn't in pain. I'd rather have her in a daze and comfortable than mentally present and suffering. 

Back home, we tried to have what fun we could. We made a clay paw print impression. We laughed as we tried making paw prints with paint and kept messing it up over and over before washing her paw off. We laid down on the ground with her and gave her kisses. And of course, we held her. 

I gave her pain meds, and she unfortunately aspirated. She didn't sleep through the night and struggled to breathe. I cried and called the hospital. I felt so guilty for ruining her last night. Doctors told me that this happens even with the most careful of medical professionals. Chibi just wasn't lucky. 

The next morning, Chibi wet the bed for the first time. It hit me so hard that she really couldn't live like this anymore. 

She was dying right in front of me, but so fast. I was hoping if it came to this that we would have a few days, at least...but only about 24 hours together after coming home from the hospital. Actually, less than that.

I took her out on the front lawn, early, early in the morning. She was breathing better and could finally relax. She seemed perkier. A friend came to see her one last time. Then my other friend came who was going to stay with me through the entire process. My cat snuggled Chibi and gave her head bumps. 

The doctor came to our house so Chibi could be comfortable. It happened too fast. Still, the drugs took longer than usual. Maybe she was subconsciously resisting. I think she wanted to hang out with us all a little more.

Her body was heavy. It's never felt so heavy. I remember hearing myself screaming. I decided I'd be the one to carry her out to the car. She looked the same as ever. She looked like she was still here. 

I hated my house. I hated walking in. I hated feeling like I was going to see her at any moment around the corner. 

We left and went to breakfast. My friend stayed with me all day. But when I got home to an empty house again, I just screamed. And screamed.

I've had her for 16 years, and Chibi was my only family, since my grandma died.

I've treasured her for so long.

Anyways, that is why I have not been here. All my energy has had to go into Facebook asking people to donate to help us because her treatments ran up to $2150, even with insurance. Chibi and I have been blessed with so, so many people helping us, even total strangers. I'd say that over 30 people chipped in. This has been financially devastating during a time where I'e recently used most of my money to hurry and pay off my car. I'm beyond grateful and blessed.

Here she is. My precious baby.
On the morning before she left.
chibiagain chibitheend

On an adventure, 2 years ago.
doggo

On the morning she left, with her little sister.

hinachibi
Together 3 years ago, getting boba. 
pic3

Through all of this, even though it is a bit lame, the song "By Your Side" from Omori kept playing in my head. It brought me comfort. But it also sounded like her. It sounded warm. Give it a listen, if you please. It's dear to my heart. 


Thank you all, internet strangers. It is always nice to vent here. Most of this community has always been so nice. Hug your pets extra for me, today. 

I hope they're by your side for as long as possible. 


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