4:21

anyway, remember when i said i needed to stop going to bed at 3 or 4am? yeah, old habits go down hard i guess -- go down swinging, like a scrawny punk; like a house party full of drunk teens. wish i was one of them (eighteen still counts.) unfortunately self-love has been forcibly shoved into my deck and i don't think destroying my liver is on the list of things that qualify? i could be wrong, but i'm pretty sure it's not on there.

second anyway, i'm stressed and depressed & feel like i'm grasping at straws and coming away with paper cuts. what else is new? maybe that's a little too pessimistic though. it's not like i'm necessarily trying, i could be working way harder than i am -- busy bee gets the worm and all that -- but maybe i'm a little burnt out on contributing to the hive. maybe i need to focus on things that matter.

i don't know. i'm on a straight streak of washing my face everyday and that's enough for me. it's really not a victory or a success, i should be doing it anyway, but it sure is a thing that i'm doing. it sure is a thing that i've implemented into my life. yay for less acne.

honestly a lot of times when i get like this, i think back to a conversation that i had with my mom once. we were talking about mental health shit because i don't have friends so i'm a mama's boy, and she asked me what makes me feel accomplished, things i've done that i feel proud of, and i came up completely empty. not even, "i guess there was this one time..." coasting, just bone-dry; and sitting (or, laying, actually) here right now, i still can't think of anything. i honestly don't know if that's normal.

and on that blue-shell, i'm gonna go eat a poptart (even though i'm nauseous because i know i'll be hungry once i settle into bed), watch a callmekevin video (my depressive episode's usual taste in irish youtubers has decided to branch out), and try to pretend that whole paragraph isn't the textbook definition of oversharing.

goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow,

-patch