addictive disconnect

Since I was young the internet taught me vanity and how you're "supposed" to look, feel, and connect with yourself. I would compare my image to those of 20 year old's when I was just 8. It lead to a downfall of many habits I struggle to break including: validation craving, appearance altering/comparing, fact indulging, and serial dating. As I got older I realized these were the beginnings of other addictive behaviors, when validation no longer gave me the same rush I looked for comfort & escapism in substances, I ate less and worked out more to look like the girls that were more liked than me... which spiraled into an E.D. when I felt rejected from people or circumstances I self harmed. I thought recognition would bring me contentment but 16k later on tik tok, I realized it wasn't others idealation of me that was gunna fill the void. I only filled the emotional holes when I looked deeper into as of why I actually did these things. It was the black sheep scape goat dynamic from a narcissistic parent, it was constant critiques and improvement from another. The addiction and mental health cycles I grew accustomed to making me very confused and jealous of "picture perfect" families. so what I'm saying is take a break from the damn internet, separate yourself from others, and start being the you you've always wanted, rather than what they imagined. start healing the child that never got to be a kid.