im not enough.

i met a guy online. when we met, he was being absolutely terrible to everyone. and, as you might imagine, they were being terrible right back to him. i said "hello" to the chat and everyone greeted me, and the first thing he did was call me nami salami. i told him i liked his pfp, said basic greetings, and he was just being straight up terrible to me. he left, and, i kind of stalked him and found him in another server, being mean again. "nami salami, you followed me" i remember chuckling to myself. i knew something was wrong- him being mean and pushing people away for no reason. people started hating on me because i was being kind to him. "nami, youre soft, and i hate it." is what he said to me. so i logged out and made a new account, stalked him, and pretended to be "not soft" so i could get him to like me, and guess what? it worked. we ended up talking until 2:00 AM where he opened up to me. to me. he's never opened up to anyone before, one of the things he told me. he let the wrong people in, he doesnt like love- and he caught feelings for me. and, oops, i caught feelings for him. so i eventually said i was going to go to bed. i told him the next day that i was the other account. (i told him as my main account) he called me a liar and said i tricked him, said that this was just part of my plan. he told me that i made him hurt myself. i still hate myself for that. anyways he left for a few days and then came back with a different name but i knew it was still him because he had the same pfp and how he talked . . i just knew it was him. i said "____ (im not saying his name) hi, ive been looking for you" he said it wasnt him and i was like. . alright. i told him i thought he was someone i knew, he asked, who, then i started to tell him everything- and he said "so you made a new account just to talk to him- you tricked him! its your fault, its your fault he hurt himself!" he kept saying it multiple times, my friends were there and telling him to stop, freaking out, because im suicidal and they know it. he then told me i should kill myself. i said "why not? theres nothing here for me" and then i attempted suicide. my parents unfortunately caught me so here i am alive. he told my friends that this was all part of his plan- he wanted me dead. when i got back on and told my everyone i was alright (everyone thought i was dead) i realized i still liked him and cared for him.  why? i dont fucking know. i just wanna help him. he told me in private he despises me with all of his heart, that he respected me for seeing something everyone else doesnt, and that i must have a piece of heaven in me. im writing this because its a vent and because something is wrong with me. we havent spoken in a week but i still think about him constantly and i wonder where he is. i miss him. i think i love him. he showed me his face after he said he wasnt going to- and he said i looked good. i just-  i wasnt enough for him. i was just annoying. i tried helping multiple times and it didnt work out. if you read all of this then uh, congrats. i didnt expect to write this much- uhm. im not enough.