The knight in broken armor

470 days and 2600 hours wasted on someone who couldn't tell if they loved me or themselves more.

When your cold fingers touched my olive skin, sending shiver all over my body making me want more, or when our lips brushed against one another wanting you to ravish me right there and then.

It meant nothing to you. I was just there for your own comfort as you were mine. I was at my worst and you picked me up. Just two lonely souls walking the earth looking for some reassurance. 

Then we found each other. 

I gave you everything I had, but you just walked away with my heart. I stood there alone, depressed, broken and afraid.

Afraid that I'd lose you. Even after the hell you put me through. I still craved every bit of you. The way your lips moved when you called me yours. 

I was the happiest I could be- at least, that’s what I tried to convince myself.

The moment I first fell in love with you was the moment I realized that everything is to good to be true. I remember the first time you hurt me and how the feeling was so overwhelming. 

My chest tightened as my breathing became rapid like I just ran 3 marathons. I felt my heart break and for the first time, I couldn't believe you'd do such a thing, I thought you actually loved me.

The tears came down my face faster and faster and I couldn't help but drowned. 

But you told me you were sorry and you made a mistake.

But I made a mistake too, I forgave you. I knew what I was getting into, but I so blinded by the love I had for you I didn't realize I was missing the most important pieces to the puzzle and that was myself. 

I let you control me and treat me like I was nothing because I didn't know what I wanted or who I was and I thought you could help me.

you picked me up off the ground when I had nobody and you gave me wings to fly, but tore them down slowly so I could be like you...A fallen angel, consumed in his own darkness and searching for the light. Searching for someone like me. 

I tried helping you when you gave me that small push, but as time went on the pieces were falling together. Maybe we were destined to meet. Life and death, face to face to seek out the reality they wanted to create together that shared both of each other nature. 

But the reality they tried so desperately hard to create something that wasn't enough for him. 

He had something else in mind, someone. He was missing something, he was missing the life he strived for. 

And to him, I wasn't good enough to be apart of that side of his reality, but just something to fall back on when his reality didn't turn out the way he wanted.

Even when I only dedicated my time to him and did everything he asked. It still wasn't enough, it wasn't enough for him to love me and it wasn't enough for him to stop himself from shattering the remaining pieces of my heart that I had left.

The feeling of loneliness and sadness were my friends and they comforted me when no one else did.

I had abandonment issues and I was afraid to get close to people, then you came along, like my knight and shining armour, but you didn't take your sword to fight off the evil around me.

Instead, you drove it steadily through my cracked and empty heart, and all the pieces scattered. I tried to collect every piece, but there it was. 

A sword still threw my body, where my heart once belonged, every word came out as sharp as that sword and my eyes shinned from all the tears like the plate of armour you so careless wore.

Tainted. Is how I remained. You kept tainting every bit of reality I had to rip me a new one. 

The one we shared, the one I thought I wanted.

I begged god for a better life, but he sent you. You were my better life. You were the illusion to numb the pain.

when all it did was create more of it.

But, I didn't care. I tried to find happiness through all the pain. You were a glimpse of what I once wished I had.

You brought warmth to my cold body because I let you decide what I do. I was a puppet and you, the puppeteer pulled the strings. 

You decided my fate, you chose how to break me because you thought you were help.

I soon realized, I didn't need your help  and it wasn't your job to decide how I should live, act or breathe.

That's when the first string went, it snapped and I felt a bit lighter. Like a small weight was carried off my shoulder.

You wanted to help, but you did it the worst way possible. Breaking someone countless times to the point where I felt like nothing and hated myself each and everyday.

The hate I manifest towards you was mixed with love and I hated that I loved you, but I hated that you tore me open so everyone could see how vulnerable I actually was.

But I forgave you, you sweet talked your way back into my life and i let it happen again. 

It was my fault for forgiving you, but at the time, I thought I didn't have a choice because you were the only one who understood me, made me feel special and knew every part about me and you used it against me.

You used my weaknesses to take advantage of me. You knew I loved when you played with my hair letting your fingers graze my skin as you whispered sweet nothings in my ear. 

You knew I loved it when your strong arms wrapped around my waist while I leaned back into you, smelling your sweet scent as it enfolded me. The warmth I felt as you softly placed kisses on my neck, the feeling of every kiss left burning on my skin. 

It was a reminder, that I couldn’t let go. 

You were the knight with the broken armor, and I was your sword.

by Julianna Panaro aka Jewels <3

This was based off of toxic relationship that I endured.