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I don’t know. I ask myself that a lot. I’ve not eaten anything besides mochi and some chocolate I had left in my drawer. It’s not that I’m avoiding food it’s that I just have no appetite and no feeling of hunger. I’m like the scared teenager who had yet to discover the comfort of having a cat. This time unfortunately I no longer have a cat to look to for comfort. I’m alone and home is incased in a resin statue. I still question why I put all my pain and sadness into a four legged creature. The world was tinted dark before but he was hiding so much more than I realised.
Apparently my mood is becoming obvious as time has gotten on. Even some outside of family and close friends have begun to notice the absence of my mood. I can’t help it. I can’t force myself. I don’t want help nor therapy. As dark as it is I’m finding comfort in things I shouldn’t again and those moments are relief from pain and anger that is building up. I don’t want the medication that either makes me feel worse or nothing at all. I’d rather feel the negative than nothing.
I’ve hardly spoken today. Someone I had feelings for expressed discomfort upon seeing a PFP I hadn’t changed since I first opened my account on a site from years back. I was hurt but I understand so I’ve backed away. My chest stung a bit though when I noticed they removed me from that site though they’ve continued with other accounts. The comment about continuing to see me as their friend now feels like a lie because our last few interactions felt negative.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I know that the chances of anyone expressing feelings for me are low. I’m not sure why I hoped they were going to like me when it’s not possible. The nice tree I was growing the past few years has been cut down. I don’t blame the seeds for not growing. I wouldn’t grow either.
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