I am alone

My whole life I've been praised for my independence when in reality I'm just a lonely child trying to survive and slowly dying. I feel as though I push everyone away but I don't know how to keep them around, I make friends but I lose those same friends so we meet up some months later and this story never ends. I've only ever had 2 best friends in my whole life, I always thought that a social life just wasn't for me but maybe It's my parents fault for not socializing me as a child or maybe it's my fault because I can't do anything right and I push all my issues onto everyone else. I'm independent. I'm alone. It's been so long since I've been held it feels like maybe it never happened. My whole life I've been praised, "You are such a strong young woman". I feel like I can't be weak around anyone. I am alone.