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Somehow this is the calmest I’ve been all day. I’m listening to the rain pour at four in the morning with some ASMR playing in my ears whilst my head is a little bit quiet. Earlier was a minor struggle, voices so loud and intrusive. Scream, shove the display other, tell the obese woman she is disgusting, shove the man off his bike etc. Shadows seemed to be everywhere that I’m surprised I just walked. They say don’t acknowledge what your brain is throwing at you and sometimes it’s hard when there’s a man no one can see that’s yelling at you and demanding you confess your sins to the public. Yet this shit is taking forever to fix, the mental health care may be free but it certainly doesn’t give a shit.
I am hoping that it’ll storm. That there will be thunder and lightning with rain that hits so hard it makes waves from the gale. I love the storms and they seem to love me back. There’s a cold embrace I feel that I can’t seem to get anywhere else. Why did I depend on such a small cat that I can’t seem to turn to anything else to cope? I don’t know. Another reason I want the storm is because of this person who keeps invading my mind. Somebody I used to know, care for and still think about everyday despite the fact that I blocked them from contacting me ever again. I care deeply for them and want them back to me but at the same time I know they fear thunder and I want them to be in a bad place just like the one they put me in. It’ll be good to know they are suffering yet unfortunate at the same time.
I haven’t practiced my guitar this week. I should so I can improve but my motivation still isn’t here for anything. Half of the things in front of my face don’t even feel real. He said my guitar is now my new support animal but I can’t see it. The guitar is a guitar, a support animal is an animal and I am talentless.
My younger brother has a girlfriend I feel negative feelings towards. I know she’s a love rat. She cheated then response to being broken up with she apparently starved herself and became extremely depressed. If true she needs serious help and/or she’s being a guilt tripper. She already tried to cause a rift after she went to my family and told them I was swearing at her. I was cooking my fucking dinner. I have to grit my teeth talking around her and make a statue of David impression. I didn’t even directly speak to her today and instead gave the instructions she needed to someone else in front of her so I wouldn’t need to directly interact with her. I did say I’d tolerate her if she tried to start a friendship but I cant even stand her presence let alone her trying to communicate with me.
I’m sleepy but I’ve been having such strange and horrible yet delightful dreams that I don’t want to sleep. My last dream was strange. I had a nice fancy apartment with a lake view and I spent my time in it often. One day a plane crashed into the lake and I watched as it slowly began to sink with no one exciting it. Bodies began to wash up on shore and float in the water. There were so many that a large community of volunteers appeared to collect the bodies. I sat on my balcony and watched feeling peaceful. Some boys decided they wanted to have some fun so they took the body of a young East Asian woman and hoisted her up by her neck from a tree. She became a corpse piñata. I didn’t care I just watched with a drink and laughed at her and the boys.
Somehow that’s the most tame dream I’ve had so far.
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