Being Trans and my struggles

I've identified as Male for good three years now. Before that I was Non-Binary for a Year because I didn't know I could be a man and dress slightly feminine or andro. It was rammed into my head since i realized i was part of the LGBT community by people like Calvin Garrah, I even made fun of  "Transtrenders" It was honestly just sad and not a fun part of my life.

2019 (at 13) I was sent to a mental clinic where i stayed from 8 Am till 3 Pm. I had therapy there and met a lot of people im still in contact with. in my third or fourth appointment  I was asked if i preferred another name over my deadname - and since then i was called Jonah. It was great and i felt great. i even came out in school and to my Mom. 

I had heavy depressive episodes while I was on my period, and my mental health was at a very low point in that year, so my mom took me to an endocrinologist who prescribed Hormon-blockers after some bodily exams. He was not at all trained to diagnose me with any kind of dysphoria and never even asked for my Therapist or any other specialist. It was great at that point but now I just regret it, It has made everything so much harder HRT wise.

I´ve been looking for therapists that can prescribe me T pretty early on and most of my friends in my nearest City went to a neuropath in Hanover. My mom didn't allow me to go to her since she thought id have to pay for sessions (which is normally not the case in Germany) so i was shut up.

after that i kinda forgot about it.

now in early 2020 I started looking again, my mom called in so many places and i got put on so many waiting lists. the day comes - I finally got an appointment in Hamburg.

We drove there and i was so excited, she ws super friendly and i had about 5 appointments with her. my last one was in November, then the bitch got pregnant and no one told me. So my mom and I spam called the clinic in January until we finally got a new date... in February. 

At the time i was pretty sure i could start T soon. The therapist that replaced her was pretty okay, pretty friendly. Everything was fine until she told me that she wont do it. she was unsure if i was ready for it and wasnt too sure because my hormon-blockers my block my thoughts or something?? idek. She didnt even say that she thought i wasnt trans but just that she doesnt want me to have it. My mental health was not good enough. As if that would make my mental health better.

I nearly passed out - my whole world crumbled before my eyes.

I cried for two hours straight.

no one prepared me for those news. not my pregnant therapist, not my normal therapist, not my endocrinologist NO ONE!

They also told me it would be pointless to continue to come and have sessions with her since they wanted to wait two to three years before allowing me to go on T.

I felt horrible. I didnt know what to do with my life. The thought of starting hrt was the only thing keeping me alive and going, and it was just gone.

Now I started looking for others therapists because i cant do this much longer. My Ribs hurt from binding daily. I cant even leave my house sometimes because my dysphoria is killing me. Even the thought of having to say a word more with my current voice makes me want to cry.

They're Ignoring me :)

The therapist I'm currently trying to go to - Ignores the Emails and the voicemails etc.

Its so unfair.

Also every Trans guy I know is basically starting around this time.

Six Guys i know are on T or are like a week away from starting.

Two just got Top surgery and one is currently trying to get it.

The things that bugs me the most is, that I'm so jealous. When i think of the fact that i might be the last to start T, and will have to listen to their voice cracks and see how their bodies change - Basically have to watch them get everything I would kill for right now. It eats me alive that I'm such an asshole.

Im so scared of the fact that It will take at least another whole year for me to get on T. Another year of suffering every single day

I will get even more voice dysphoria around them because it will already be super deep after a year on T and i dont know how I'm going to handle this.

I want that so bad

I NEED that so bad.