Confusion - Hating people more and more.

I was talking in a group chat as per normal mentioned a brief thing that happened which could be seen as strange or unusual to anyone. Someone who I barely new replied with a joke about wanting to take my things when I’m taken away so I replied that now wasn’t the time and we weren’t close enough at all for that type of joke during that moment in time. Pretty straight forward, right? They immediately responded petty. A quick “I’m sorry, I understand” would’ve been a better reply. Afterwards I immediately blocked them and staff members dropped in to talk to them and remind them of the rules but they took it as harassment and told an underaged staff member a sexual comment. 

I wasn’t going to bother with them so any interaction I planned to just ignore them and be done with it. The blocking should’ve been the obvious sign I wasn’t interested in any interaction with them but instead they decided to make that public and posted a screenshot of the obvious blocked message. I ignored it and just asked staff to deal with it. They did and deleted the message to avoid any further discussion and problem but the person continued trying to get my attention anyway. 

They were ticketed and things got heated quickly. The staff members tried to explain the ticket was due to several rules and a guideline being broken but the person was having none of it and wouldn’t admit to being in the wrong and insisted they were in the right. They demanded to be let in. The warning ticket quickly turned into the owner having enough of their attitude and banned the person. I wish they had consulted the staff like they tell the staff to do because I was in the process of writing out an explanation message. I’m still annoyed over that. 

Today is no different. I’m beginning to grow increasingly annoyed by this member. They’re a teenager and I get that not every teenager has figured out interaction yet only this one I’m close to hating. They’ve made two pedophilia related jokes about me, both times I’ve been obviously upset or annoyed. They’ve even made fun of my shakes which is something I have no control over. 

I’ve even started losing a crush I originally had on someone else because they seem to generally hate my country. They bring up things out of nowhere connected to my country in a negative way if I’m talking and joke about destroying it and the people. I’m aware my country sucks, I’m a minority in it and I grew up with mostly POC and various cultures which unfortunately means I’ve even seen hate crimes and experienced it. I know I can’t say anything because of my genetics being pretty much white passing without being accused of a snowflake. They’ve even straight up denied part of my heritage before. 

I wish I resembled my sister more so I’d have a publicly appropriate reason to be angry. She’s got more of the Asian genes than me and resembles more of that part of the family. 

My motivation has dropped heavily from what I originally wanted to do because of my unfortunate headspace that I can’t seem to leave. I don’t want to leave it either because at least with the negative thoughts I can feel something. I guess I was really hiding so much by concentrating on such a tiny thing. I wish I had more time. It’s been twenty four days and for a while I’ve not been feeling awake either. It’s like the dreams are more real than everything I do during the day. Eating doesn’t feel for some reason. I stopped counting my calories and I know I’m not eating as much as I used to. It’s hard to keep the motivation. 

I think I’m gonna hand my brother some money and ask him to smuggle me in some Monster. I’m happy to have multiple of socially acceptable addictions because they won’t send me to the institute for drinking coffee. I’m going out tomorrow too so many I’ll be able to sneak away briefly and buy a can or two to shove into my bag. The buzz from caffeine and energy helps to feel awake now the pain from my body modifications has worn off.