Frustrating night.

I had to reset my box because the damn thing wouldnt turn on no matter how much I tried. I checked the website and it turns out this is a stupidly common occurrence; you think a large company would fix it by now but no. Still letting it happen. I wanted to throw my box out of the damn window but I opted for gently smashing the controller instead. That was a mistake and probably karma because I ended up briefly losing the battery to the damn thing after I punched it against my mattress. I even went for my phone too. My phone has been breaking since the last update and it couldn’t have happened at the worst time either. 

None of my pictures nor videos of Flash are properly loading and my phone insists it’s because it’s too full. It’s not but I ended up deleting over 2,000 photos and several apps I didn’t even use anymore to sort it out. Cleared out a lot of memory and storage to the point my phone is just under halfway empty now. Guess what? It did fuck all. Top it off my phone has been lagging and struggling in connection; it’ll disconnect from the internet, constantly reload every app I use which has made listening to music difficult because after maybe two minutes the fucker closes the app. I ended up throwing it several times, punching it and once again slammed it against my head. 

I’m fully aware this will do fuck all and probably make things even worse but there’s no stopping it. It’s absolute cringe and I can see anyone reading this finding it cringed stop fucking auto correcting you stupid bitch. I can see anyone reading this finding it to be cringey and embarrassing but unfortunately for me it’s a reality I generally can’t control or stop. I can’t even turn the auto correct off because I’ve been shaking so much that hardly any of my words would make sense without it. My English is near perfect! That’s one thing I’ve always been proud of and it feels embarrassing that my shakes would cause me to look like an absolute idiot. I’m aware I am one but do I really need to advertise it? Apparently.

I tried settling in after getting my box working but that did fuck all also. My clothes ended up irritating the absolute fuck out of me. Fabric was too tight and loose and it also smelled funny you know despite being clean fresh clothes. I ripped everything off and just laid in my bed. Couldn’t even do that peacefully either, I had another tantrum with the phone and also decided my dresser was an excellent fist target after I threw my phone on the floor. I couldn’t even keep the punches after a bit because I kept feeling phantom hands on my body so I ended up just curling up and tried to push it to the back of my mind. 

I eventually got my phone and felt comfortable enough to put on a pair of briefs and a t shirt. I ended up frozen in place just looking into my phone after a while though because the feeling of several people standing by my bed and the hands coming back. I ended up hitting my head a few times and just forced myself to get up and go to the bathroom. Splashing my face with water does nothing but make your shirt wet. 

I did calm down a bit after some movement and from playing Animal Crossing with a close friend. She asked where I got the pretty dirt from when looking at my pumpkin patch. I watched some TikTok videos and this CAHMS worker has been going around on my feed for a while. She’s absolutely filled to the brim with bullshit that’s for sure. CAHMS does nothing. If you were suicidal as a kid in my country I bet you got told “we don’t like this low point so what we are going to do is make a cup of tea and have a nice warm bath”. I wonder how many kids didn’t even reach age eighteen because the hospital’s solution to mental illness and troubles was cups of fucking tea and telling the parents everything? 

I think what pisses me off about that video most is that the woman said the things said about CAHMS made her “a bit sad” but found the traumatic events to be funny. She herself admitted to finding the experience funny. I wonder how many kids are dying under her watch. 

Another thing that’s still pisses me off is someone I recently had an interaction with. I blocked them obviously but they were someone who seemed to absolutely love playing with the “remove friend” button, fucking over people’s emotions and starting fights for literally no reason. I made a meme to cope with the loss of Flash because twenty two days later I’m still absolutely torn by his death. They responded by saying they looked at one of the videos they saved and cried for twenty minutes. They’ve never met him, they know very very little about him and hardly knew about his existence until very recently. I was horrified that they had been saving any footage I took of Flash and immediately felt even more disgusted with them. I haven’t spoken to them since but I at least managed to confirm they didn’t share it anywhere. At least hopefully they’re being truthful. 

I’m going back on my bullshit because honestly I’m tired and desperately would like to feel something other than anger. Flash was my unintentional emotional support animal. I don’t want another one ever again.