I don’t feel like I’m awake.

The past couple of days are beginning to feel strange. I’ve woken up but I can’t remember waking up. It’s like I’ve been laying in one single spot for hours just looking at his bed; did I even blink? Did my eyes close at all? I thought I dreamed but now I’m not sure. I don’t remember falling asleep or laying down. 

I don’t remember laying down at all till I turned on my music and went on my phone. I can’t remember what I listened to. I know there was music but I don’t remember the lyrics, I know my lips moved but I don’t remember what I sung. 

I do remember imagining though. I wondered what it would be like to having a still mind. To create work that people find comfort in, to be able to eat without anxiety, to be comfortable with myself, to socialise without stumbling over my words, struggling with speaking English. To be the person someone looks forward to coming home to. 

I’ve only known the last one because of my cat and now he’s gone I know no one is looking forward to hearing from me again or to seeing me again. They won’t say a word or notice if I left but he did. He made sure I knew it. I hope I gave him the best life. 

Earlier when I was trying to concentrate I started playing a game but somehow I sunk right into it. My entire mind seemed to have gone to another world. I can remember the smells, the cold fog, the feeling of scratches on my body, the soreness of walking. I know full well it wasn’t real and I was most likely just staring into a screen. 

I wanna feel like I’m awake now. Maybe if I sleep again I’ll feel like I’ve come back.