Childhood Bullying and Understanding Foundational Character Cues

Now, before I get into this. TW: I will be talking very heavily about trauma as a child, excessive bullying, and how the pressure of being a mixed girl in a prominently white school(I am stating my DOB gender for context reasons and how it impacted my childhood. Please don't refer to me as a girl or use she/her pronouns. I feel strongly about my presence in people and I don't identify with those pronouns or labels. Lol).And I mayyy curse once or twice. Now, I am not an expert or a clinical psychologist and I am not going to claim to be. I simply speak from my experience and how I view My Story in this moment with what I've learned. I just feel in the writing mood and putting my thoughts somewhere. 

This takes place roughly from grades 4th to 8th grade. I had just moved to a new place, new in the school, and I was naturally a very timid child until otherwise proven that I felt safe. My first friend I made was actually a girl I was going to get along very well with and I still have contact with to this day(I am now finishing 12th grade). Let's call her Mellie. Mellie was part of the more what kids back then would call "popular group". But her and I rode the same bus and our bus stops were only a mile or two apart. While I was fond of Mellie even from the beginning, from the natural quote on quote, "status" I held in the fourth grade lol, I primarily stuck to only talking to her every now and then on the bus at first. I began talking to these girls named Mariana, Illy, and Maya. They were a trio at first. Sometimes Mariana came with her cousin Maria, but at times in school it was mainly the four of us. We were sort of the second "popular" group. Except we were meaner than what you'd expect out of a couple fourth and  fifth graders. See, Mariana was sort of the "leader". Everyone followed her foot steps and I was sort of the kiss ass, "second in hand". While I just wanted to fit in and make friends, I soon dragged myself into what I would later realize was the bully group. Mariana had trouble often in her home and probably suffered with just as much mental turmoil concerning her taller stature compared to the other girls her age. While neither of us could realize our internalized view of what was "pretty", Mariana was beautiful with the most contagious smile. Mariana was the one who affected us the most, but we probably affected her just as much. Mariana would guide us in shunning new kids or other people who wanted to fit in too. See, Illy became the first one we as a group bullied. Illy isn't her real name but for confidentiality reasons that's what we're going to call her. But, let's say her real name was very easy to mix and make fun of. Her odd name, smaller stature, stick straight blonde hair, and awfully low voice for a fourth grader, made her a big target to Mariana and the rest of the group. Now I didn't describe those things to say they were bad or unusual for a fourth grader to have. I mean, we were fucking fourth graders. But those were the things that Mariana, myself and other kids saw naturally as odd. And it's what made her our first victim. Same with Maya. Maya was on the taller side, had wavy dirty blonde hair, and big thick glasses. None of the characteristics of these young girls including myself are bad or abnormal. We were kids. And that's my whole point. Yes, at a point we understood how our actions and words affected someone. No one is worthy of using something as an excuse. But simple awareness and understanding of the past. Our differences made it easy for us to fear the unknown rather than embrace it. Whether we adapted those views from our parents, the media, or natural fear. We had it. And we weren't taught as young kids that those differences were okay. Maybe our parents didn't know what we were doing or saying to other kids, or what we even thought about ourselves. Maybe some parents didn't care to know. This can bring me into my next quote on quote, 'enemy'. Her name will be Hailey. I made her my enemy. She was the sporty, adorable, and a smart girl. Everything I wanted to be. We were friends. Our similar interests in Minecraft and the Minecraft youtuber, Aphmau lol. I was jealous of her. I wanted to be the laid back but strong and smart girl. I forget some parts of Hailey and I's story. I forget what made us drift so apart. I think the connection between Mariana and Hailey was that I tried when I could to befriend those who just wanted to fit in. Like Illy, Mary, and a couple other kids. Hailey and Mariana would tell me to shun them and at the start I listened because I didn't understand and I was just scared. Around fifth and sixth grade when I started finding myself and people alike, I'd stand up to them. Tell them it was wrong to try and shun other people simply because of what they looked like. Now, I wasn't a saint. I had my moments where I was bullying girls like Mary along with Mariana. Laughing at them rather than with them. But I changed and matured as I grew up. I stopped being friends with Mariana, which was best for the both of us as we both contributed to the terror of other kids. I liked being around my new group of friends. Where we joked and laughed. And Mariana found her group too. As young kids we are wet cement. Easily changed and easily swayed. Every little moment could have the biggest impact and we might not realize it until our adult years. And even in our adult years, we can still be wet cement sometimes. I know I am.