swag

i feel as if i'm incapable of being romantically in love with someone because of my mental state.

it's either i'm the problem or they're the problem, most of the time i'm the problem.

with the mood swings, the hypersexual parts then the not wanting to be sexual at all, ghosting everyone including them whenever i'm sad or feel i don't need anyone, poor communication. to clingy and obsessive. 

i realize how i am, i'm just trying to fix it. but its really fucking hard lmao. 

so i just stay away from relationships, but i deeply crave that affection and attention. that feeling you get when you're around them or see them or even get to hear their voice. i want to feel it again, but i'm scared. i tend to push people away as soon as possible. whenever i feel they're going to leave me or i know ima get hurt, i ghost them, in real life too, i just ignore them. 

if i see them, i act as if i don't miss talking to them. as if i don't know they're mad and hurt at me. 

i feel so bad about it. 

i just want that type of bond where you cant go 15 minutes without thinking of them.

where you can spend all night talking about random ass shit.

i don't even let people talk to me, i don't even reply, or actually join in a convo if i suspect they're just looking for sex or love. 

i could say i cant help it to make myself feel better but i know the issue and i'm trying to solve it but holy shit.