pain

how are you all? im kinda sad cause my bestfriend didnt have time for me today.But thats okay i guesse. also im a littel bit drunk cause i stolle alcohol again cause then i dont need to thinck about dieing and self harm and thats good. i know its not healthy to drink that much everyday but it helps me to make it another day. cause then i dont need to feel the pain that i feel when i dont drink. its like somebody is beating me up till i die. maybe i shouldnt write this stuff but it helps me to write about it. its like i wana scream but i cant cause if i do i need to go in to a mental hospital again. and when im in there i need to talk about my problems but i fucking cant talk about it cause when i do im hurt. you know what i mean i feel like im already dead inside but i need to live and i cant change it cause i dont have enough power for it. but when i drink alcohol the pain is gone and i can breath again. and when i drink i dont need to think i just do it and i feel free i know its not right and its not healthy but its better as feeling that fucking pain. IT HURTS SO MUCH! sometimes i cant even breath because of it andy nobody cares. nobody is listening. all i wana do is shoot myself right now but im to fucking scared to hurt other people. i hope that one day my mom looks at me and says hey its okay BUT SHE WONT CAUSE SHE NEVER LOOKS AT ME!! all she does is making me feel worse. nobody looks at me. nobody wana see the pain im in cause it would break them. its breaking me to but thats okay for them cause they dont need to feel the pain i have to feel. And the worst is i dont know why the pain is there. but all i know is that it hurts me soooo fucking much and i cant stop it. i dont wana do this anymore i dnt wana feel this anymore. its like im dieing but im not dead.

well anyways i need to say bye now