wow we're really doing the work huh

what if that dissociation was what saved me from myself? If i felt how bad i felt, i probably would have done something seriously bad. I was already doing bits of it too. But now i don't need to be saved from myself (already been saved) and i could come back to self? Maybe that's why I've been feeling so awful lately- emotional pain coming back for its piece. these pains are just settling the score. I still wouldn't know what is worse. 

The Hanged Man Reversed. Everything is given a reason and those reasons are like dark clouds. Why not replace them with light, natural or artificial? Am i not learning to teach?

It's another time where I'm getting so many messages. Sometimes i have to look over my shoulder cause I just know somethings there with -for- me. Crazy or not, it feels comforting. Despite everything, I have hope. I trust in my faith. Even when I feel so let down and hopeless, or totally numb, it all has had its purpose. "If there were nothing happening, there would be no obstacle!" If it seems out of reach, at least you're looking, and it doesn't hurt to try. Oh, well i may pull a muscle and/or hurt myself, but that never stops me from getting something off the top shelf. 

It wasn't that I had to stop thinking, just that I had to think differently. I feel this is taking more time and feels like nothing is happening, but maybe that's because it'll be for good this time. Not manic 'I'm healing and happy and doing all the rights things' that burns out after a few weeks. I am so over the slow burn though. 

I don't worry much anymore, once I learned that everything ends up turning out alright. But lately, it's like i know everything will be more than fine. It's like my seven year old self is telling me that we're going to be best-selling authors and help people too. That the things we love doing, want to do, are going to be things that make people happy. 

I'm feeling more optimistic and inspired and confident. And also tired. Zzzzzz