Vent (Tw: mentions of self harm, eating disorders, bad thoughts, etc)

Ok so lately I’ve been thinking a lot and even started cutting again, but I’ve been thinking about how after I moved from my abusive and neglecting mother and moved with my father she finally wanted to be a mother after 11 (btw first time venting in 12 years) lately my memory has been going away really really fast to the point of where I can barely ember my grandpappy or my family who’s still alive my parents say “oh as you get older it happens” but I don’t wanna forget and what I’m forgetting is things I need like being able to read, lately I’ve been seeing longer paragraphs when I read it it looks weird the words jumble up and because of it I’m failing that class and my parents are yelling at me saying it’s my fault for it and I’m trying my best and no matter what I do I’m not good enough. I mentally support over 40 people and making sure there happy and ok before I focuse on me even thought I have an eating disorder to where I can’t tell the difference from being hungry and and not being hungry so I often tend to over eat or under eat, and ever since I was little I’ve had people telling me that I’m too fat or too skinny my entire life so I believed them and no matter how hard I try I can’t think otherwise I cut my thighs cause I want it to cover the stretch marks of over eating when I went to peoples house cause I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to eat again. I look at myself in the mirror and say “we’ll look whose there the fatass with no life”. What makes me pissed(more or so scared) is people thinks it’s funny that I flinch alot and tend to purposely make me flinch to laugh at it and I just laugh along, I look and act so strong even thought I’m a scared little kid who all I need is some support and a hug but ik it’ll never work that way cause I’m never enough and I tend to stray away from dating people cause I can’t focuse on them enough so I ignore them by accident even though I truely don’t mean too. When I lose my memory my mind goes blank and I hate empty room with not even a sound of a whisper drives me insane cause I hate it when it’s quiet it makes me think too much and it makes me think of all the times I’ve tried to commit, and now how people are making it to where trans people are illegal being a trans male is even worse. Ik my family will never support me but my friends will but I just don’t feel right telling them, I’m so scared one of them gonna say “oh that’s fucking pathetic” or something like that or the times people call me my real name and my background behind the name scares me. Every time I’m called that name I have breakdowns in my mind saying that I’m like the old me I hated the old me I acted so much like my real mom I hated it. But I’m sorry if I wasted anyones time with this(it’s really only haft of what I’m thinking) but I didn’t want anyone to feel like they wasted time on me I’m sorry