I am starting testosterone soon & struggles βš§πŸ’‰

I recently received a letter from my psychiatrist, saying that he finished an indication writing regarding Hormone Replacement Therapy.Β 


This came a little unexpected, since he, or rather the therapist he works with that I go to too, always used to do things very slowly:
Β The last update I got from the therapist was that she wants me to explain my transness by psychosocial causes, before she allows me to go on T. what she meant by that were things like s3xual abuse or misogyny. She really turned more and more towards terfΒ  ideology.. so I didn't really expect any steps forwards very soon and almost changed therapists. She just thinks she's the smartest and can speak over trans peoples experiences - I know many people that went to her and literally everybody agrees. I've never met a trans person saying "oh yeah I am trans because of event xy in my life" it just happens, but this woman thinks she's SO entitled.

Anyway, so that was a big positive surprise for me. I was very exhausted from all the fighting. I've been seeing her and my psychiatrist since June 2017 and already got diagnosed, went on hormone blockers, changed my legal name.. so her suddenly denying me T for no legitimate reason made me feel like she's trying to kid me or play mindgames to test me.
Big thanks to my psychiatrist, that probably convinced her. When i told him about her methods he didn't understand her at all and he supports me very well in my transition plans. In germany we say "Ehrenmann" xD

Anyway, after I read his letter my jaw dropped and I started to smirk. I instantly called my boyfriend, not even knowing how to describe to him what just happened. During the phone call I started crying.
These news felt like such a big relief from all the struggles I've walked around with, especially during the last 5 years. It always felt so far away that I couldn't even process that information properly in the moment. But I felt freed, like some chains fell off my shoulders.

My T date is May 17 I think!Β 
Fun fact: A dude texted me on instagram, saying that he'll get T for the first time on that day, too - that was cool
I don't think I'll have to do another blood test before going on T, since they've done a bunch of blood tests over a course of 3 years. I think they'll have a last talk with me and then send me to the pharmacy next door to get the man juice and then give it to me.
That's how they'll do it with the other dude too, btw. It was very reassuring to talk to him about it tbh.

I can't wait for the changes - even though I know it will take some time

I can't wait to hear my voice crack for the first time and notice it getting deeper month by month. I pray not to get that T undertone in my voice since my voice is naturally deep so there are chances, but I'll take what I get.
The surprised faces of my classmates after summer break will be so entertaining. I haven't seen them in almost a half year due to homeschooling and I'll be on T for 3 and a half moths already when summer break is over.
The voice drop will also help so much with passing and my confidence. I won't have to be scared about getting asked for my gender anymore, since you can hear that my voice is deep and got a manly undertone, so I won't have to justify myself anymore and can just say "I am a dude" and people will get embarassed, lmao.
I also can't wait for my fat to move into the right places and my face to get more defined. I won't get too dysphoric over my hair beeing in the wrong place anymore because it could expose my face, and oh god: T-shirts and tops in general. I always hated wearing T-shirts in summer, since it would expose my skinny arms and my feminine waist. when a little breeze would blow a shirt slightly onto my body, you could see my whole body shape, and I hated it. I'll probably gain muscles and weight in general - also my fat will move to the correct places and I won't have to be too picky with clothes anymore, too. I always tried wearing things that will make it as impossible as possible for people or myself to see my body underneath.
I'll still have to do a little training for my body to look more masc and I look like a twink currently, but it will get much easier and I'll have more motivation for it, too.
Oh and the T dick. Ngl I am excited for it. And then I might get an epithesis πŸ‘€ I just hope it won't hurt. People already started making jokes about me getting h0rny all the time too, lmao. But it will make me feel better about myself too, since it's not the typical female g3nit4lia anymore and will look like a mini dick and that's exciting.
And ngl I also can't wait to get more body hair and leave the twink-hood in general. It's honestly making me dysphoric and reminding me of my insecurities when being called a twink. I sure am, but I don't want to be a twink. It's just a body type and if anyone will continue to call me that after I started T I will honestly lose it and hit someone.
I will also get facial hair. I think especially this one will take some time, but when I am like 35 I'll be able to be the warming, sweet but also intimidating chubby punk dude with a beard of my dreams.

I know I can't influence how my body will actually turn out to look and I am trying to keep it realistic, but it's still very exciting and making me happy to fantasize about it.


I will keep you guys updated on my changes!


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