Detached

How do we know if we're really alive? I always ask myself that everyday.

Are we staring at a reflection of a person or just an empty shell of what used to be of a person? How can a person tell if they're real if they can't even tell themselves? Sometimes I wish I had all the answers but the truth is, I don't and I don't think I ever will.

The first day I realized I started feeling detached.. It was just a couple months ago. I was going through some stuff with one of my best friends, and I guess it just, happened? I don’t know, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m tired of being the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend. Whenever I needed someone there for me, no one ever bothered to check in or ask me how I was doing (except for my boyfriend, of course). 

I was always there for them. I always put my heart and soul into helping people, but when I needed help, I had no one.

I was alone..

So I stopped caring. I just gave up. I stopped calling people, I stopped trying to stay in touch, I stopped listening. I just don’t feel anything anymore. I feel like a walking corpse, like I’m not even in my own body anymore. I knew it had gotten bad when one of my friends was crying on the phone and I just.. didn’t feel anything. I didn’t comfort her, I just told her to stop because she was embarrassing herself.

Is that bad? I don’t know but I know it’s not who I am. 

I’ve always been a kind and caring person, but when you let people take advantage of you your entire life, it gets to the point where you just don’t care anymore. You just feel numb.. I just wanted it all to stop so I turned off whatever feelings I had towards everything and everyone around me and hid it away so no one could see me vulnerable ever again.

I’ve been trying to get back into doing things I used to love, like: cleaning, playing video games, hanging out with friends, going out, things like that. But no matter what I did, and even when I did do those things, it just felt the same. I just felt.. empty, lost. I would lost all motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I would just sit in my room, in the dark, and get lost in my own head.

I just feel like I’m not me anymore, like I’m gone. And believe me, I try so hard to get better, not just for my sake but for my boyfriend’s sake as well (who lives with me and has to deal with it), but again, no matter what I did, it didn’t matter.

I’d just feel the same all over again..