My Life..ish?

I never really had a “bad” childhood. 

I mean, I had a good relationship with my parents (especially since they were very cautious with me at a young age due to my heart condition) but even when I had good memories being with them, I also had some bad ones as well. They were always fighting, yelling, and hitting each other. They didn’t even care if it was in front of us or not. Whenever my mom “couldn’t handle it”, she would always walk out.. and my dad would always be the one to bring her back home, even after everything she’s done.

I was a child then. They didn’t realize their marriage had a huge impact on what my little brain couldn’t understand at the time.

I also have siblings as well. I used to be really close to them when we were younger. I even used to take care of my youngest, when my parents were going through their shit. Because of this, my maternal instincts kicked in a lot earlier than most girls my age. But of course, we all got older and as time went on, we started drifting apart. Even now, I feel like a ghost to my siblings..

Being at home was never easy for me, I always wanted to get away from all the family drama. Even though all my friends were jealous of how “wonderful” my parents were, it was all lies. What they didn’t see was years of torture, tears, and staying silent for the sake of keeping a family together.

But being at home wasn’t my only problem; it was also school as well.

Yes, I was bullied in school, starting from elementary all the way up to middle school (8th grade). Elementary wasn’t too bad but when you’re the smallest and the weakest in your class.. you make the easiest target. Middle school was the worst though. It was around the time I started realizing the bullying was happening and people were getting meaner. Not only that but I was also getting targeted by my “so called friends”. 

Because of this, I started developing trust issues.

The bullying got really bad in 8th grade. The worst year of my life. Not only had I lost a close friend but I was also cyberbullied as well. I was getting multiple death threats and people telling me to k!ll myself. And I almost did if it wasn’t for my little sisters finding me in the bathroom that day. It wasn’t my most proudest moment but I was in so much pain and I wanted it to go away..

But the truth is, the pain will never go away. No matter what I do, no matter how far I get away from it, it’s always going to be there, haunting me when I’m awake and in my dreams. I try so hard to think of the life I have now and try to be happy with what I have, because trust me I am, but then I realize that everything that’s happened to me in my life will never go away..

Not only was I going through the bullying and the troubles at home, but I was also going through “boyfriends” left and right. I had a few crushes here and there like most kids would but what my parents didn’t know was that in elementary school, I was having “boyfriends” behind their back. Then in middle school, I officially started seeing guys with my parents knowing. It was also around the time when I was figuring out my sexuality, but the truth was, I always knew I liked girls because I have kissed them and had relationships with them without my parents knowing either.

Another thing you should know about my dad.. He’s come from a SUPER religious family so the night I had finally came out as bisexual in 8th grade, of course, he and my mom were angry at me. My mom didn’t even want me sleeping in the same room as my sisters. I was hurt. How could a mother say that to her own child? I was already scared to admit it to myself, but on top of that, they had to treat me like I was some sort of disease? It was horrible..

Once I became a freshman in high school, just before we had moved, I couldn’t take the constant pressure and stress and bullying anymore so I confided in my best friend to get it off my chest. But it was my biggest mistake of my life because after that, she had reported it to my mom as a “suicide tendency” and I was sent to a therapist for a couple weeks. It. was. a. nightmare. I hated sitting in a room, talking about my “feelings” to some stranger who had absolutely no idea what was going on with me.

And even after all those sessions, it didn’t even help me. I just lied to everyone and said I was fine. That’s all I do now, even up to this day, is lie to people and say that “I’m fine” when the truth is, I’m not fine..

But yes, my life is messy... It has been for a long time. There’s so much I want to say in this post about my life, but it would be too long. I’m going to try and break it up in separate posts so it’s not so much for you guys to read.