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Sometimes I feel like I have no friends in real life. After so many years one would think that the friendships I kept were meant to last forever but if I'm a 100% honest, sometimes i wish to stop being friends with most of them.
It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with them or have things in common but sometimes I have the feeling they don't even like me. It's not as if I'm not capable to notice when someone is being mean to me but its a weird sensation. I can tell they have no patience with me, some of them get mad when I do something unintentionally like speaking too loud or getting distracted or if I stop talking with someone else if one of them gets on the phone so I wait for them to finish because it's hard for me to focus. I wouldn't care about this if they were new friends, it would be easier to get away from that situation but this friendships are betweenΒ 15 through 4 years old, we've had lots of experiences together, we've experienced fun, love, loss, traumas and valuable memories together. We've been there for our accomplishments, our failures, our plans and breakthroughs, even between rough patches we persevered and built a beautiful friendship but it doesn't seem true.Β
I consider myself to be a loyal friend, sadly I tend to put all their needs before mine and because of that I've encountered a considerate amount of people that took advantage of that. If it was between my possibilities I would agree to do anything and sometimes even if I didn't agree I would let them do stuff to me that harmed me and scared me. Some would even spread rumors and talk bad behind my back and still stupid little me would be trying to give them the world and help them to achieve their goals while stomping on mine. It was hard for me to let go, still is... but not as it used to. I learned to put limits and stopped letting people push me to the side but with every depressive episode I go back to my previous decadent state. It's so stupid the amount of time I've let people back into my life after they harmed me but I'm more strict now, I even get mad when people said "you should be friends with so and so again" they have no idea how hard is for me to put limits for myself and they're asking me to break them so "we could go back to all being friends" Why would I want that?Β
I wish I could make friends easily. I've always been an introvert... well, that's a lie. When I was a child I wanted to be friends with everyone around me, a social butterfly you may say, I could go next to any kid and say "Do you want to play? Do you want to be friends?" I guess I stopped when I was at school and noticed that the only reasons my classmates wanted to do stuff with me was when it was convenient for them.... if a had food or toys, if I was having a party or if they could get anything out of me. I tried to go back to being friendly in middle school and it kind of worked, I knew people from every class on my grade a couple older and younger gens, I wasn't popular but my classmates were and some of my friends were, so a lot of people knew me for association but in the end it was the same... most of them didn't even like me or maybe they did but once they knew me they were more interested what they could get out of me, they would just "put up with me" but I was absent from that concept at the time, I only cared about the fact that I had a "lot" of "friends" and naturally high school changed that.
I'm not going to lie my first year was the best. I met a lot of amazing people that even I don't consider them close friends I still enjoy running into them or hanging out if they ever want to but the rest of it was hell. After a collective loss I became closer to some people but mostly stopped being as outgoing as I was, that's when I started to notice most people didn't like me if they had to spend a lot of time with me, because my only friends were from drama club and I only saw them a couple hours a week. Every time I could I would sneak out into the theater or wherever they were hanging out and I was happy but slowly started to feel alienated from my classmates. Senior year is when I found out I was truly alone, my friends already graduated and the new drama teacher kicked out my whole gen out of the club so my safe place was gone, my class "friends" would start leaving me out of group projects and I would bounce between the rest of the groups for every class and every project or ending up working on my own, they didn't care I was good doing my job but they rather not spend as much time with me, even then I thrived and I showed them what I was capable of but they didn't care because they had someone else that could do the same things I could and she was way cooler than me. I wasn't in any of my class group pictures and tbh no one noticed, I was just standing around on the side watching how all my classmates posed and had fun. At my graduation ceremony my "friends" made me move because they saved the seats for everyone except for me and at my graduation party I barely saw them I spent the night with acquaintances until it was time to leave.Β
My college story is chaotic so I won't even get into it, but even after my class "friends" treated me so poorly I still considered them my friends for a while, only after one of them assaulted me, gaslighted me and humiliated me is when I decided to cut all my ties to them. Only four people out of that stayed, more entered my life and got out faster that I could notice. I think I can honestly say I only have 6 friends, well, 7 if we count one of their fiancee's, but out of those 6 I feel constantly targeted by at least half of them. I don't really want to get them out of my life but it's hard... I honestly wish it wasn't.Β
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mia
Ik this was posted like 1 year ago so I hope everything is better now but I feel very similarly rn dw ur never alone in that feeling .-.