happy march, happy tuesday

i started my day with sunflower butter bread (cant have peanuts), water, and reading -- i'm on a depression vacation, & not super sure if it still counts as an "episode" if it's months long. town: my bed. population: me, some tissues, and my cat.

i'm still reading gray -- weirdly, i've been taking my time with it. i'm not really sure why? when i was a kid i used to plow through books, and i'm still reading this one chapters at a time, but i've been spacing it out more -- honestly, i missed reading. i forgot how much i missed reading. gotta get more books. someday i'll finish jurassic park. i'll probably end up taking it with me when i move.

anyway, per my last blog post: i'll probably still be stuck twinky for a while, and i'm trying to come to terms with that. it's not all bad -- i'm okay with giving william beckett a run for his money until a doctor shoots me up or i can fund the trek to canada. at least, that's kinda what i've been telling myself; i've also been telling myself that, honestly, actually, i don't really mind waiting. it's only like, halfway a lie, honestly.

a weird part of me does want to wait -- surgeries first, yknow? i've got my 30s to be a mans man, what if i wanna spend my early 20s in the void space? what if i can be my own definition of the word, the sense, all of it?

a bigger part of me really wants a mustache though. b/c what better time than early adulthood to experiment with looking absolutely terrible? so i don't know. but that's neither here nor there at the moment -- i don't have the funding, nor the emotional wear-with-all for either. it's just me and my kandi bracelets, me and my swoopy hair i'm sure i'll cringe at, me and my books and my youtube videos and my piles of blankets, for now. i'll get there when i get there.

for now, the only shot i'm concerned about is the covid vax -- because, yeah, my pussy ass still hasn't gotten it. it's not like i leave the house, the only person i'm putting at risk is myself, but that's like, half the problem; so, i'm working on it. civic duty over personal anxiety, right? plus, i'll never be able to get a stupid nose piercing and force my mom to give me empty compliments about it if i never get vaccinated. so, priorities.

sleepily yours despite the almost 12 hours,

-patch