My Journal

I’ve decided I really only want to use space hey as a journal. For myself. Maybe for somebody to read along… relate to. I don’t know. I just want to be able to send my thoughts out. Not just in the notes of my phone. I want the satisfaction of pressing the publish button. I’m not sure if I’ll end up mostly doing them as “dairies” or if I’ll just say fuck it and put it all public. Maybe make somebody feel less alone if they read it and feel how I feel. How do I really feel though? Angry? Isolated? Half the time I don’t feel anything. I feel like I’m floating through my days. I’m okay usually when I’m able to remove my mask and relax. I spend my days talking to my dog, her names Kenya btw. She’s really the only thing I can talk to. With people, such as my boyfriend, I mask. It’s something that I’ve gotten really good at over the years. Not sure if that’s really a good thing, but it is what it is. I’ve always felt this way. Lonely and angry at the world, I always just thought it was dreaded teenage angst. But I guess It’s just my life. I have these highs followed by these terrible lows. I’m either ontop of the world or buried within it. Back in October I had a miscarriage. And I always refer to the baby by him. Mother’s intuition or whatever it’s called. I felt it was a boy and named him. Jasper Kai. Since then I’ve just felt empty. Emptier than I’ve ever known. My due date would have been April 16, 2021. That was 11 days ago. I’ve been trying to hide the fact that I’m hurting. Knowing that I could be holding a new born right now. But instead I’m holding myself in my shower at 11pm. I guess since then I’ve lost bits of myself. Not really wanted to be around. But I’ve forced myself to stay. I don’t know why. I just have. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I hate hearing I’m sorry. It makes my stomach hurt. Sympathy can’t fix what I feel. It only makes it worse. After my miscarriage I left my boyfriend, we are since back together, and started having meaningless sex with a bunch of dudes to feel some time of euphoria. And I guess since then I’ve been using sex to feel that high again. But it comes and then I go back to feeling exactly how I felt before. I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll understand why I feel this way. Nessa