My life in a blog. Trigger Warning....It's pretty much all triggering from the start.

(Tw:CSA)

When I was 3 my oldest brothers friend raped me. I used to go sit with my Dad everyday when he got home from work and tell him what I had done all day and I told him. My family tried to press charges but I was too young to testify. Everyday for months afterward my brother's and God brothers beat the boy bloody to and from school. He eventually moved away. Shortly after that my oldest brother dissapeard. I would later find out he ran away and my Dad (not his bio Dad) helped him pack his bags to leave. 

Some of my earliest memories were dreams. I had a very hard time deciphering dreams from my reality. I had nightmares constantly. I remember having nightmares when I lived at home with both parents. I never had good dreams and still do not. I dreamed about being sexually assaulted. I dreamed about biting my abusers junk off. I grew up thinking it was all just a bad dream and my head was fucked up for creating it. I dreamed about killing my Mom or hurting my brothers. I dreamed about getting sick or injured. Many of these dreams still bother me deeply. 

When I was 8 around my Dad told me about my 1st sexual assault. Over and over again. He started giving me the sex talk. His friends started giving me the sex talk. He was deep into alcoholism so he may have not even remembered telling me over and over again. He told me my brothers took care of it because we couldn't press charges. That my brothers, children at the time, would beat my abuser everytime they got him alone. I remember thinking "But what if I just imagined it and told stories". I grew up wondering if I ruined an innocent teenage boys life. I never told my family about sexual assaults after that.

When I think back to my childhood and the games I played they were concerning. I remember my brothers playing super Mario smash bros on the N64 taking turns with their friends. One friend was 2 years older than me so he got me to "play Mario & Peach" in the side room attached to our basement living room where he would make me kiss him. The same basement I had been raped in at 3 years old. I still have nightmares about that basement. I remember my older neighbor kid I would visit who would undress me completely and carry me in a crotch hold. She always said "We are both girls" "We have the same parts." "It doesn't mean anything.". Until last year I had never thought of it as sexual assault because we were both girls. It was my longest kept secret. I did an excercise where I wrote down messages I got as a child that made me uncomfortable. Her words were the first thing that came to mind. I now realize I am bisexual. I was inlove with my teenage bestfriend, slept with her, and always told myself it doesn't mean anything because we were both girls.

As a child I had many conspiracy theories. I believed I was kidnapped, that my family wished I was dead, that my mother was evil, that there was something wrong with me, that my memories were all dreams made up in my head, that my Mom made my brother & Dad leave. (Which is what my Dad told me). I made a goal to kill myself by my 16th birthday because it was twice my age. Later I decided I would kill myself at 18 because that was twice my age and being a teen seemed like it would be fun.....

It is currently 1am so I will leave my life story here. For now. I will add more to this about the traumas of being 8/9 years old and make a second life blog. Or I might backtrack in my second blog anout life to share more of the horrifying details of being 8/9. As a mother myself now, I see it as a living nightmare and live in fear. I am working to heal and end my victim traits, so my daughters do not pick them up.