On Planning

I can list several occasions in my life where the idea of work overwhelmed me more with the work itself, and I never found a successful way to cope with that overwhelming fear. For example, I had been in second grade with a hyperfixation on chess. I wanted to play chess and learn chess and figure everything about it, but there were so many rules that it got difficult quick and I had no enthusiasm for playing. As a matter of fact, I picked up chess as a skill because we were required in our writing class to learn a new skill and write a how-to book about it, and nearing the rough draft's due date, I broke down in class because I had not accomplished nearly enough. It was not that i did not care about the assignment: I had simply planned for too much and lacked the ability to manage my time. In hindsight, if my teacher had called my parents about it, we could have had me tested. Maybe this is all Mrs. Mazza's fault.

On another occasion, I was sent to my room to fulfill one of my father's writing assignment punishments. I was to write down a phrase front to back on two pages of notebook paper. I remember daydreaming the entire time and playing with tiny imaginary friends the size of baby strawberries, and suddenly I fell asleep and those same creatures were in my dream, only life-sized and from outer space. We got ice cream together. 

Most of my dreams I wrote down in some form or another, whether it was a drawing or handwritten in a dream journal. Maybe i watched Shark Boy & Lava Girl too young, but my hyperactive imagination worked well with my drawing and writing abilities, allowing my memory to document avast majority of my childhood subconscious down to the date.

Eventually my parents would stop me from watching Foster's Home for Imaginary Kids because they felt it fueled my idea of "invisible friends." I would go to my room alone and play with my invisible friends. They would be characters from tv, like the twins from Full House or Shego from Kim Possible (there's something to be said about the imaginary friend choice at a 5 year-old age too). Characters like Sonic or Mario were always for make-believe adventures, although there were a few characters (like Cindy from Zoom starring Tim Allen) who were with me regularly until i forgot about them. I liked to play with a lot of girls, i fear. Once i began to come up with my own imaginary friends, they were more imaginative and cartoony. There was never really a gender for cartoon characters, since none of them were really sexualized to me. i was a kid and if that was on my mind, it was expressed through talking and having conversations with the female Invisible Friends i would bring to my room. They were like babysitters, almost. What does it mean?

The hyperactive imagination was always viewed as a quirk until it was viewed a nuisance in class, and I began to conceal it, using class projects to express myself as fully as possible. Rather than a way to gain approval or fit in, my projects were used to showcase who i was and gain attention. I knew people liked loud colors and good performances so I would do it. I kept going regularly and i liked it so long as everyone else did. 

They wouldn't know it at the time, but that was the beginning of my graphic design career. Those kids wanted me on their teams for assignments because they knew it woukd be cool, it would be nice. Realistically, they knew i worked extra and would do all the work if it meant no research. I always had a vision that nobody else could see and would try my hardest to ensure any visual assignments like powerpoints or posters were solely designed by me. My parents would be furious I always did all the work in group projects and I would justify it by saying I did no research, but in reality I had a mental image but never put the time to plan the physical one. I do both at the same time when i create. thats how it goes. thats why music works so well, you can hear the idea forming. to an extent, though (theres so much in my head these days).

Being 21 has only led me to look back at my past and ask what it was all for. I recognize my spiritual and physical history and lineage no problem, but my mental lineage is still in pieces because i was never trained to view it right. maybe one day i can figure out the past and tell a cohesive narrative, but most of my memory is intertwined with my fantasy. life has been maximalized since I started thinking and its something i can never turn off. that means the highs are highs and the lows are lows, but somewhere along the line i deemed it cooler to be neutral. if youre at a 10 and she's on a 1, I'm on a 5 comfortably. High Fives all around.

It's harder to test adults for ADHD, but they say most honors kids were misdiagnosed children with ADHD, and there were plenty of honors kids using adderall in high school whether it was prescribed or not. even the class president  would text me to ask if i knew a friend of a friend who did have adderall (he had adhd, granted, but his hyperfixation was selling drugs). If people's inattentive needs were met, maybe kids would not have to sneak amphetamines between classes to feel superior or even adequate. 

After a while, the honors classes felt like a chore. My parents noticed that too, i feel. they were very lenient when my grades dropped, because even when i was at my worst it was a B- with a couple C's. 

was that too much? does anyone read these?