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Title's too long so I'm not giving a damn about capitalization.
Anyway. I digress.
I look up to my big sister Emily. We grew up together in the same house, but there's a four-year age gap there. This pretty much means she was about four years ahead of me in school. But yeah, yesterday she said something via text that got under my skin. The bit I bolded is what upset me. Read on for full context:
Me: "Hi! Do you have any recommendations for Asian singers or bands?"
E: "BTS (obviously) also Eric Nam and Epik High."
M: "Ok! I've heard of Epik High. Need to listen to more BTS. The reason I ask is because my new novel is about Asian Americans, so, it's only fitting I search for inspiration from non-English songs."
E: "Actually, you should consider reading more Asian American authors first."
M: "Oh, okay!" -shows her a picture of one of the books I've been reading: Your House Will Pay by Steph Cha- "This is one of the ones I'm reading along with those books you sent me."
E: "There is so much depth and nuance to AAPI experience that honestly I don't think you fully understand and appreciate yet. Like I don't know the sudden interest in being Asian...encourage you to explore first."
M: "I realize that. My friend Widya pointed out that whole tapestry is very broad and complex."
E: "Yeah, and you can't rely on people like me and your friend to teach you what it means to be Asian. You need to go on that journey yourself, and explore."
M: "Yeah."
E: "It's an unfair burden to us who have embraced Asian identity and struggled through it for years."
M: "Well maybe it's time I took that more seriously. Especially with everything going on in society."
Okay so on one level, she did have reasonable advice. But I think it was how she phrased it, and considering the vibe of the conversation, it REALLY bugged me. I'll probably come back to this more later. But I've got a sinus-congestion induced migraine, stiff neck pain, and a bunch of work stuff and chores to do.
-B
Comments
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Jack Raven
I feel this. I understand your position in this situation. I think when youre part of a culture that has struggled (especially in this nation) the people within that culture really try to take note of that struggle so it wont be forgotten through the generations. With this comes this notion of “you really dont know who you are or what our people have been through”. I feel too much pride comes out of having this knowledge and the result is people looking down on thier own race, instead of guiding them with understanding. Its more of a “you should know this” feel, rather than a “it brings me joy that you want to know about this” feel.
I thought you asked good questions in a respectable way. I didnt feel the same amount of respect from her responses (though they seemed helpful for the most part)
It may just be a big sib thing. My brother is 10 years older than me and will still treat me like im five =_=
Idk, as an african american, i think its important to know my races history, but i am also a part of that history. My knoledge of my races past dosent define or complete me. It bothers me. It educates me. It sadens me. It drives me. It helps me.. but im not my past. I am a part of my cultures history right now. Uneducated or not. My struggles in ethnicity are valid and are a personal testament to the history of my race
Hell yeah, brother!
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
\m/ 🖤
by Jack Raven; ; Report
I’m gonna be writing an essay about this sort of thing but on a wider sociological scale.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Id love to read that noise!
by Jack Raven; ; Report
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
ꜱʜᴇʟʙᴢ
Dang this is a toughie. I feel like all you were doing was asking for references so that you could educate yourself. It's not like you were asking her to explain what it means to be Asian American. Idk, i feel like as your sister she should not be as abrasive about it? My sister and I are 4 years a part, and we are for sure different, but I know she'd still help me out with stuff. But this is a sensitive topic, so maybe she feels differently about it. I'm sorry, and I wish you luck on your journey.
Have you joined any groups online that could help you out?
No, not really, but I think I should. For a time I was a member of Subtle Asian Traits on Facebook, but I left Facebook so I really only see posts from it whenever my wife finds something funny to show me.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Siblings have a habit of not pulling punches sometimes, and I think this reflects that. So many people tend to be totally unfiltered with their family members. Not saying it's okay, I think she could have been kinder. But clearly it touched a nerve for her.
by Dr. Pants; ; Report
Yeah that’s entirely within her personality type. I guess what irked me was she took my questions completely the wrong way out of what my original question was.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
hrh eliott!
At the end of the day we and not our siblings or friends are responsible for educating ourselves on our backgrounds but asking for recommendations is not asking someone to educate us. It's asking someone who knows us what they think would be a good starting point for Us. As an individual.
And there is no "sudden interest in being Asian" what the fuck like you are an Asian American. You are trying to write about what you know. You're not grilling her for history and nobody is born knowing their entire lineage I completely understand why this is hurtful.
The thing is, the majority of the time I was growing up, I couldn't really "relate" to being Asian. I acted, thought, and processed wayyyyyyyyy more like a white boy. The typical stereotypes didn't really apply but at the same time, I had superficial interests in things like anime and manga. Plus, I couldn't draw, sing, read music, or play instruments. Tennis and frisbee, or basketball? Ha.
My two main best friends throughout my adolescence were a pair of white boys: Alex and Travis. Oh sure I had other best friends first (my neighbor across the street, John, came from a Greek family; Andre, my other really meaningful best friend at the time, was South American bc his dad was Bolivian and his mom was from Colombia.)
In our little circle, there was this one dude, Darrin, who had an approximately similar background to me. His dad came from Taiwan, but his mom was a white woman. They were effectively more affluent than my parents (Darrin's family had a huge house, like 7 bedrooms, and all of the notable video game consoles in the early 2000s. He was super geeky and unpopular, but in the end, he was a major-league jerk.
I had a small grouping of other Chinese friends when I was a lad, but they moved out of my world and I don't really care enough to keep in touch with them outside of occasional chats, y'know?
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Rachel
I have no experience with this, but I assume she feels like she did a lot of work to get to where she is and maybe thinks she doesn't want to take the time to teach you everything she went out of her way to learn? I'm not sure, but I can see both sides. I can see not wanting to put in that labor for someone but also, I feel as if I would want to mentor my sibling to help them grow and learn.
Sorry you're struggling with this.
I don't particularly have much advice but maybe you could let her know you appreciate her sharing information with you and you weren't trying to burden her with it?
Hope you have a good outcome!
I understand where she's coming from (and you, too) it just rubbed me the wrong way. There's a reason I want to reconnect with my cultural heritage. I'm ethnically Han Chinese (the biggest ethnic group) probably with a bit of Korean somewhere in my bloodline. My parents immigrated from Taiwan in the 70s/80s (dad got here first, for grad school and post-doc studies). My two older sisters were both born in the US, and so was I. So I'm Asian-American through and through. Being told I have to explore that and it's unfair to those of us who have already grappled with it annoys me on a cellular level.
My sister is pretty, popular, driven, and highly successful. She has probably never been approached by a cop who led off the interaction with "do you speak English?" or have a middle school teacher confuse her with a similar-looking classmate. I doubt she even grasps the notion of what a "micro-aggression" is supposed to be.
Then again, she's spent FAR more time in Asia than I have. She used to be the VP of Asian Operations for CitiBank (which she achieved really young because she just turned 36 last week). For her work, she was based out of Hong Kong but she had to jet set to Seoul and Tokyo pretty much all the time. Somehow, she found the energy to do a mission trip to the Philippines with her church fellows.
She also has a much better command of Mandarin than I do and has picked up Cantonese. Probably Korean, Japanese, and some of the lesser-known dialects of Chinese like Taiwanese and Hokkien.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report
Yeah, I definitely see where you are coming from too!! Her experience doesn't make your experience any less valid. I can totally see why that rubbed you the wrong way! You're just asking for some guidance and that came off pretty dismissive of your experience. :(
by Rachel; ; Report
Exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for understanding.
by Lordking Byron; ; Report