2/15/22

I have no outlets so im subjecting all of you to this. Idk if it'll be anything of substance but i would love to just talk and not be interrupted. 

Today was fine. Nothing bad. I woke up late, went to school. There's this guy. well call him K. He's really sweet. A lot of the teachers dont like him tho. Idk why tho. I mean i kind of do. He's a POC and i go to a tiny little school where every 4 seconds some white boy says the n-word. So im like 99% sure it's that. I asked my gym teacher why he dosent like K and he said that he was just disrespectful. Which yea he jokes around but if i were to do exactly what K does, Hed joke with me. I told the teacher that he probably dosent respect him cause he dosent respect him. Respect is not a one-way street. I respect the teacher because he respects me. If he didnt, I would not be as calm and light-hearted as i am in that class. He said he'd think ab it but ik he didnt. I didnt expect to be listened to. All the teacher does is stare at my tits so nothing really gets through his head. But it gives me advantages like skipping class and having no consequences so i dont really care. K has really poofy hair. Well, had really poofy hair. I saw him today walking to math and he shaved it all off. I wasn't wearing my glasses so it was kind of hard to see but im sure it dosent look bad. I've always had a sweet spot for him. He's really sweet to me at least. I miss having classes with him. Im really short and most people in my gym class are taller than me and so when we started playing basketball i refused bc it freaks me out when a bunch of men who are like 2 feet taller than me swarm me bc i have the ball. And the K asked the teacher to pick teams and he made sure i was on the team with all the taller people. And i wasn't picked last. I was picked second. Once he asked if i wanted to play basketball with him and his friend F. I said no but i kind of regret it. i suck at scoring in games where there's a goal so like all of them, And when we were playing soccer i was so close to scoring but he stopped it with his foot and then slid it into the goal. And then again we were playing some other game and some other guy was the goalie and when he blocked my hit, K told him to let me score. And each time he cheered me on. I think one of the reasons i have such a soft spot for him is bc both his parents are dead. Idk what happened to them but he lives with his grandma. But last year i think in gym the other team lost and one guy got so mad he just started lashing out ig and K tried to say that it was just a high school PE class and it dosent mean anything. And he absolutely flipped out. he said something ab his parents which started a fight but K ended up getting the punishment instead of the asshole who absolutely crossed a line. And that absolutely had everything to do with his skin. He's really sweet and I've never seen him even get a little mad. There's this girl who for the past few years keeps trying to say that he SA'd her but she admitted that she was lying. And even then he was totally calm. I miss talking to him. He was fun. 

i started at my job a few weeks ago. it's not bad. I have some friends but they're all like 20. This one guy i really like. We'll call him O. On Friday i had a breakdown in the middle of my shift and i had to take a 15 cause i couldn't hold it in anymore. I ran to the house which is just the employee rest place. But i cried for the entire break. im pretty sure that O saw and he brought me a cinnamon bun and hot chocolate. The day after that he tried to get me to drink rose water tho? he goes "if it's ruffied we're all ruffied" cause id seen him and another guy drink it. He said he'd bring it my next shift and make me drink it. He's also a stem cell researcher??? and he's working at this shitty little place for 15 an hour. omg and he absolutely looks like he listens to metal. He's my favorite coworker. 

i do kinda wanna talk ab why i broke down at work tho lol. SO this guy and i had a thing. we were together but some stuff happened and we had to take a break which i dont fault him for. What happened was a lot for him and i completely understand. But he said that he couldn't support a relationship so until then we would just talk. Which i was fine with. But he just recently stopped talking to me. And i do ticketing so i see a lot of faces. Oh, i should also mention that it was long-distance bc i moved and blah blah blah. But this guy came to my booth and he looked just like him. i thought i was over it but idk i guess that just struck me. I ran to the house crying And im p sure J saw me. 

Im done now but i might do this more idk:/