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I actually haven't done anything. I just spend all day in my room and not go to uni unless I have to for lectures. I don't do the work like I want to. I am so uninspired it's painful and I have a crit on Monday and I have nothing to show for it. I miss writing, just typing this out has made me miss writing. I've just started a new job, not sure when my first shift is. It's a bartender job, I hate people and being stressed and I do not work well under pressure. I need to learn how to make 10 different cocktails. I hate making small talk with people who don't interest me. I'm going back home for a couple days tomorrow, to do some washing and see my dad and my dog. I don't like being home very much, there's nothing to do there. I do love my family though, and I feel bad for not talking to my mum as much as my sisters do. I just don't have anything to tell her. I don't do anything.
Recently I've been spending a lot of time with my friend from my course. Like, everyday. these past few weeks it feels like she's the only reason I leave my room. I love talking to her and just being around her. She's so productive and she's always doing things and creating things I admire her so much. She's going to do so well in life I just know it and I love her a lot. She really really deserves the best.
I'm currently in a group on discord of creators; we're making a zine. I've never done a project like this before, A massive collaboration with loads of talented artists on the internet. I'm so out of my depth with this. I am so shit compared to these people, it's embarrassing. there's 16 year olds working on this, and I've seen their work, It's amazing. I'm so so jealous, if I had just created more art when I was younger, created loads and loads of bad art so now I could be creating good stuff. I don't have any finished pieces I'm proud of. well, I made an animation during 2020, which I'm pretty proud of. that was 2 years ago now, and I haven't don't hardly anything yet. 2 fucking years and I call myself an artist it's a fucking joke. Every time someone asks me what I want to do in the future I can't answer, because I'm not confident enough anymore to say I plan on working in an animation studio creating cartoons. that's what I want to do, but currently it seems so unachievable. now, when I picture my future, I see myself working in the service industry, and maybe hopefully getting a few side jobs, doing commissions or shit like that. I'm so fucking useless I'm just watching my life go by and I'm not improving I feel the same.
I want to make more art and post it online. I want to be better so bad, but I'm my worst enemy and I sit in my room watching shit TV and anime and YouTube all fucking day. then when I do draw something, it remains a sketch forever. I have no finished pieces. I can't believe it. I was asked to email some of my work to a client the other day, and it really hit me then. I have fucking nothing to show. Nothing to show for chrissake and I'm a fucking 'artist'. shit pisses me off so much, but mostly it just is so embarrassing. I'm embarrassed. I'm only good at reference drawing. I can draw what I see very well I think, but actually creating my own shit, coming up with ideas and concepts, I'm fucking awful. I've got so many ideas that I want to do, but it's just actually sitting down and planning it out and just putting it down on paper, I am so so so useless.
This is so depressing. I dont want to vent this to anyone I know, because I'd just get pity. I don't want pity right now, what I need is for someone to tell me to fucking pick up a pencil and just create. It doesn't matter if it fucking sucks, or if you hate it, just do something. My life motto is 'do what makes to happy' and yeah currently I guess I am doing what makes me happy. I've my my own room in a flat, I get to watch whatever I want, pursue some hobbies, and I do actually enjoy doing nothing and sleeping in. but I've gotta start doing shit like my uni work, and put effort it, and start getting inspired. I need to remind myself my I'm doing this art degree in the first place. I'm not doing a degree that will secure me a job so I can live a comfortable life and not worry about money. I am pursuing my 'dream', I guess. now a days it just doesn't feel like it. I have got to start doing shit.
Money doesn't make you happy, but it sure would fucking help. I worry about money so much, it's so fucking boring. I wish I could have all my basic needs met, so I could focus on what I love. I guess money can't fix my attitude, though. I've become a bit cynical, I think. when people tell me news or any shit about society or something like that, I find myself always being a Debbie downer. I can't help it, life does fucking suck and it's not getting better. I try not to dwell on it too much, since I wanna be happy and all that, but god it sucks so so so fucking much.
I want more friends, I think. just more people to talk to about shit, and I want to hear about peoples' days and whatnot. I am my own worst enemy though, with this, because I am so picky with the people I talk to. I want to talk to funny, and interesting people, and not to be a bitch but I can't stand talking about mundane shit, and again no offence I'm not a big fan of insecure people either. We've only got one life you should not waste it caring what people think of you, caring how you look only to please others. just fucking be yourself it's so sexy honestly. Self love is epic.
this topic of how you are perceived by others is a difficult one, and it's something I hate to admit I struggle with. I like to say I don't care what others think of me, but painful truth is I do care a little bit. I love making people laugh, for starters. and I love people who can make me laugh. they're the best, you should really surround yourself with those types of people. I fucking hate how there's people who are super insecure, and there's people who are really fucking judgy, and there's a lot of people who are both. it must be so exhausting caring so fucking much.
I feel a bit better after writing that; I should do it more often. I want to hear other people vent like this, just being so open and honest and vulnerable. The raw human experience.
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