fatigue

fatigue and executive dysfunction -- as someone who deals with both -- feel almost the same to me, and it's weird to think about. it's weird to talk about; everyone always thinks you're faking it, always thinks you're lazy or over-exaggerating and meanwhile, you can't even get out of bed. you can't just will yourself to do "the thing," your brain/body doesn't work like that. you're not "normal."

"normal" in quotes because there's no such thing, everybody has their own unique normal that they deal with everyday, but man, is it hard to feel like your average compares in life quality to other peoples when you have to spend whole days in bed or sitting. when sometimes you just "lose" days, because again, you can't just will yourself to keep going -- you'll only hurt yourself if you do, and sometimes you can't even, point blank. it's frustrating.

sometimes i really do wonder how fully able-bodied people would feel if they had to spend a month in our shoes -- if they had to be at the beck and call of flare ups, going from fine one day to shaking on the floor in a cold sweat because your body's too weak to stand, the next. from working perfectly fine, to curling up in bed sobbing within the hour because it feels like your body's just giving out on you; from "normal" to tired and dizzy, and freaking out because in the rush of life you do legitimately sometimes forget, "oh yeah, i can't do that the way you do. i don't work the way you do. i can't push myself like that."

i really do wonder -- would they have more sympathy at all, or would they just run straight back to, "well that's not so bad! i could've dealt with that for longer!" because no matter what, they just won't understand? just can't understand?

i don't know. i'm exhausted. good thing i got my work done like a good little bee, huh? i did all of that super early this morning -- revamped my website -- now i get to try and decide if trying to play the sims is worth it, or if i really should just go to bed. i would give a sarcastic "yay" here but honestly, this is just neutral life; i don't feel bad about it. i wish i felt better, i wish things were easier, but it's my normal -- no matter how much i complain, in my eyes it's neutral. i just wish more people understood.

xo,

-patch