TW Slight rant. Its kinda long sorry 🥲

Who knew that I could be this active for more than 3 days in a row. Crazy. Anyways, I'm bored and anxious so Imma write about it.

I have been homeschooled for the last 2 years and have had relatively the same routine for that long. I've been able to just chill and do my own thing, which has been really nice, but I know that I'll actually learn and do better in school if it's in person. I(just as so many others have) cheated my way through school these past 2 years(thank god for quizlet). Althought I do pride myself in getting good grades without help, so I do some stuff on my own.

 Last year was absolute hell.

I was legitimately having anxiety attacks while doing homework, but because of pressure and expectations, I wouldn't let myself just stop. It was a really bad cycle that continued till the end of that year. This year, I'm doing alittle better. Which is really good. I've recently started antidepressants, I'm surprised that my mom agreed to it, but that's definitely been helping so far. 

One of the main things that is making my stomach turn right now though, is the fact that I really need to get a 504 or IEP set in place. I know that it will help me during school, I've thought about what it could've done for me in elementary/jr high and holy shit. I know for a fact I would've done better if I had those accommodations.

I'm selectively mute and semi-verbal. In most situations and around most people, it's very difficult, even impossible, for me to speak correctly or at all. And school is one of those situations. Before I knew that I was autistic and had other stuff going on, I was in a really abusive environment because my mom married an asshole narc, so I was pretty much just in survival mode all the time. No one should have to deal with that.

But, because I has all that going on it was like the trauma was canceling out the autisticness(is that even a word?) Now that I'm in a better situation and environment, I've been noticing more and more things about myself that are autistic. Being autistic with various comorbidities(ie spd, depression, anxiety, rsd, ect..) is difficult. And knowing how bad it was for me in school before, freaks me out for going back. I do, but don't want to go back. If I can get a 504 and make some new friends, then I think I'll be okay.

Anyhow, I didn't mean to write this much. It's easy to rant. Imma give a song and end it there.