Just Blipping lols

   Barely really have any clothes.  My city sucks for anything in the styles I honestly like.  I have to basically spend out the ass to spend a day in another city but, you know, fuck that because I can't even afford to care.  xD x.x; Can't find under the table work I can deal with either.  It's all hard labor and well, my back is fucked up.  It's one reason I pop pain pills as much as I can because weed doesn't do it really, anymore.  Booze works, of course.  That shit just numbs everything and turns me into a happy little gamer chick.  No matter what mood I'm in.  Canada is expensive for everything.  This country honestly sucks except for the healthcare I was born with.

   I've got a medically retired mom I have to take care of since my step-dad died.  Real dad is basically dead to both of us, he doesn't care.  Never did.  I'm basically the only 24/7 on call help she even has.  Step-dad's side of the family abandoned us after the funeral.  He's not even buried yet.  He was cremated.

   I've been trying to just get a start on my life, I have so much I've always been forced to put on hold because I'm forced out of where I'm living somewhere else, I have to take care of my mom, I have to help other people.  Disability offers no help for braces, that all comes outta my own pocket.  I can't even finish paying them off, so they have to stay on.  Can't find an orthodontist and dentist who will put me to sleep via I.V and do what needs to be done.  I have extreme panic attacks while awake for any of that kinda thing.  Even if I take my meds, which I make sure not to because they either put me to sleep or turn me into an idiot zombie.  But hey, it's what Disability can afford, right? -__- 

   I'm not ashamed of being this poor, oh no.  I'm just kind of ashamed that there's literally no way out of any of this for me.  The one thing I won't do is whore myself out.  I was homeless for 7 years back when I was 16--I'm 35 now with a lot of mental disabilities I was born with and others developed over time as well as some physical issues--and never once sank that low then, I'm not about to start now.  x.x

   I guess one of these days my credit will be dealt with.  Then I'll be able to finally get out of here and move.  Yes, I can't move anywhere because everyone does credit checks.  My mom knew the building manager here so she didn't do a credit check on me.  I don't know anyone who lives anywhere who could vouch for me again.  lols 

   So much stress.  My memory is getting worse, my panic attacks/anger attacks are getting worse and more frequent.  This isn't me.  It's terrifying and it isn't me.  Can't do anything about it right now, though.  I don't have my vaccine proof but I have been vaccinated.  And because of all this COVID-19 bullshit a lot of places are only doing video appointments.  With the shit I need done, video appointments are a waste of my time.  That shit just really frustrates me.  

   I have so much I have to deal with.  No solution for anything, it's all happening at once and I can't even have an escape from anything.  Even gaming doesn't really do it for me anymore, although I've been addicted to Minecraft, lately.  I mean, just searching up tons of mods, constantly, seeing if they work, play for a while, build a bit, then stop playing.  I really don't know much about the game lols Not like I have friends who actually play it.  All people care about is PVP or playing on consoles, which I don't do.  I'm a pc gamer, although sadly I only have an HP Envy laptop that's like, half dying because I can't afford to fix it.  lols Came from my dead step-dad's money, my mom bought it for me in 2019, which was the year he died.  He didn't have a will set up, like the idiot he was, so he really didn't leave my mom much of anything after she was dumb and gave thousands to several people, and all I got out of it was $500 that I barely saw anything of because the boyfriend at the time basically took it all.  

   Bleh, wow, that was a long one.  I'm just venting I suppose.  I just have so much on my plate and no way to solve any of it and it's just, eating me alive.  lols x.x; Although such is my life, honestly.  Always living for other people, life on pause all the time.  Never can really look after myself because I keep helping others.