mental health rant

I'm so, so sick of the way the world works and I'm so tired. Just so tired. I'm at a point where I finally WANT to get better, I really want to, but now I can't. Why can't I?? Because I can't even get diagnosed! Because a therapist comes at an astronomical price, and so does insurance to cover a therapist, and if you can't afford either? Then I guess it's time to apply for state based insurance, right? Except you don't qualify unless x, y, or z SO, here I am, at 8:30 at night BAWLING in my bed trying to keep myself from o f f i n g myself bc of the dumbest shit because my brain is fucking defective and I can't even fix it. My emotions essentially control me at this point and I'm absolutely ruining my life because of it.

Everything is a vicious cycle. Idk. Goodnight.