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has your parent ever explained why they were so horrible to you as a child? the short answer is yes but the actual answer is not good enough. when i was 20ish my mom told me she loves being a parent... but she can only care for one child at a time. instead of being a semi-decent parent to all five kids she decided to be super mom to just one at a time. my sister is the oldest and had the best childhood... til she was 7 and me mom had my brother. she didn't really notice our mom ditching her because she and my brother spent a lot of time with my grandma. then, one year later another girl was born, my mom hates screaming babies so she took my brother home with her and left the two girls with my grandma. then a year later i pop out and she loved me.
everyone say i was a very chill baby. i would almost never cry so if you didn't have kids you wouldn't know if i was hungry or needed a change unless you smelt it and i just fell asleep if i was tired. for seven years i had an amazing mom and she took me everywhere with her, she couldn't stand being away from me, i even went to night school with her.
months after my seventh birthday she finds out she is pregnant and her and my step dad are overjoyed. obviously no one warned me not be happy and i should actually be counting down the days til the end of life as i know it but there was complications. in 2007 my mom currently had four annoying kids, stressful full time job, toxic relationship, a baby on the way, and just turned 40 which resulted in her having a stroke, having an emergency c-section and being hospitalized for almost three months. those three month at my grandma's house was too weird for me. unlike my sibling i didn't spend every weekend there and was spoiled so i got in trouble a lot. i was basically raised as an only child so i didn't know how to share or spend this much time with other kids. in all honesty i was counting down the days til my mom would be let out and we'd be reunited, but that day came and went with no change.
She was still sick and her body wasn't 100% so maybe she just needed to get settled and i'd be home for my birthday, i wasn't that lucky. right after the new school year started my grandma finally told us to pack our bags because we were going home and i was excited to see my mom. except i didn't, my stepdad picked us up. ok but he only had a regular car and there was four of us kids with all out crap, my mom is waiting for us at home! right? wrong lol we came home to our apartment with no mom and no baby. our mom was at my "stepdad's" house. ok but its already dark out and my mom and brother is just sleepy, i will see them tomorrow right?
i wish i could go back in time yell at younger me, something like "noooooo you stupid little kid, your mom isn't your mom anymore, she belongs to nate now and you belong to your siblings, they will care for you now. and no its not your fucking fault. you are eight and didn't do any fucking thing wrong. stop fucking crying for her, she isn't coming"
i wish i could tell 10 year old me not to steal alcohol and weed from my sister. i wish i could tell 12 year old me not to hangout with the high schoolers. and i fucking wish i could my 15 year old self not to have sex with married men but i fucking cant. i used to blame my poor older sister for fucking my up; not paying enough attention to me, letting me come and go as i please at 13, not yelling at me for coming home drunk at 3am, and trying to live her own life. but it literally wasn't her fault, she became a mom to the three of us at 17 and didn't want to be a fucking parent. she wanted to be a 17 year old, go out with her friends without a care in the world, so when we were "old enough" she did.
why do people have kids they wont care for? i wish my mom swallowed, fucking aborted or gave me up for adoption.
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