Mentally stuck in the spin cycle again

I've had a really rough past couple of weeks... and ever since my amnesia recovery reached the bottom of its pit, every time something upsets me (these aren't small upsetting things, but pretty big ones I'm trying to deal with... huge ones, really), my mind ends up redirecting to thoughts about the person and events that led up to and caused my amnesia in the first place... and then, it gets stuck in a spin cycle... thinking about these events over and over again... imagining what I would say to her if I ever got the opportunity... and then I slip right back into that mental state where my brain is putting my body into panic mode - my body surges with adrenaline, my fingers and arms shake from all of it, I can't get to sleep... and if I do manage to, it doesn't last more than 3 or 4 hours... and I just remain perpetually exhausted and coursing with adrenaline and stress hormones for days on end... so I'm hoping that writing about it here might help me process some of these thoughts and at least break the spin cycle for a while... and maybe let me get back to normal for a bit.

Three times in my life, I have needed this woman more than anybody else in the world... and all three times, I really wish I hadn't... because she let me down in the most horrible ways all three times... and even though I'm certain that all three of those times hurt her deeply as well... it's very difficult for me to reconcile any sympathy for her with the knowledge that all of her wounds were self-inflicted... all of her worst, most tragic pains... came from having to sleep in the bed that she made.

She treated me absolutely horribly during the lowest point in my life (I detail what made this such a low point in the blog post for the song "Happy?")... even though she knew every single thing that had happened to me, she just didn't seem to understand why it hurt me to hear her telling me about how wonderful it was for her to be living all of my broken dreams... but when I tried to explain to her why it hurt... when I tried to explain to her how much I felt the pain of losing everything all over again only hours after every time we spoke... when I begged her if we could talk about absolutely anything else... just not that... just until I'm back on my feet... she screamed at me and hung up the phone...

I thought for sure she'd think about that conversation later and realize that she wasn't treating me the best... and she'd realize I needed her to be more gentle with me while my life was in such distress... but she didn't... she called me the very next day to tell me about some magazine interview she was going to appear in... like - "that's great honey... send me a copy and I'll hang it on the wall right next to the greasy splatter of brains" (I didn't actually say that, but I sure did feel it)... she went on as though nothing had changed... and it was going to plant me in the ground.

I reached an absolute breaking point... so far beyond the frayed ends of my rope... where I finally told her that she had to either be a comfort to me... or I needed her to leave me alone... until I was back on my feet... but I couldn't handle the way she was making me feel while everything in my life was shit... she may think that I left her, but I told her clearly that it had to be one or the other... and whether she understood it or not... she chose...

She told me she didn't understand what it meant to "be a comfort"... like it was some foreign concept to her... I tried my best to explain - "I need you to come home to me... and not be perpetually 2000 miles away... that was our agreement - we come home to each other... I'm stuck here. I need you to come to me... I need you to be here... I need arms to hold me after a long day of hell... I need these things... I have needs"... and in the most snide tone ever, she replied "you're talking about SEX, aren't you?"... ... I was shocked... I had never been more disgusted with a human being in my life... she reduced all of my suffering and my needs to sex... and then she responded to me like I was the awful person... in that exact moment, I just wanted her gone... comfort was not going to happen, so "go the hell away" was what I needed... and in the midst of all of that disgust and anger, I replied "yes... it's sex that I need... I've found somebody else and I'm leaving you for her... good... bye"... words that I would regret...

For the life of me, I still don't understand how she believed that... it was as if the context of all of the conversations before it never even happened... that was the first thing that she actually heard me say that entire horrible week... and it was nearly the last thing she'd hear me say while I was still all of me... I called her back almost immediately and tried to explain to her that it wasn't true... that there could never be anybody who could take her place... she wanted us to be back together... but I said I still needed to have a break from her... just until my life was back together... she tried to tell me that I couldn't because "everything was going so great"... the exact thing I needed a break from... I shrieked and told her I couldn't do it anymore... then I tried to beg her to wait for me... to still be there when my storm finally ended... but she hung up the phone before hearing the most important part... that I didn't want to lose her.

She never answered any calls again... by the next morning, she had blocked me on MySpace... I'm honestly not sure exactly when the amnesia took hold... I know that by the next time I saw her face to face, she was a complete stranger... someone I had never met in my life... I don't know if I was even ever aware of the interviews where she laughed about erasing me from her life... or the songs she wrote about how horrible of a person I was... and that she could never love me... I honestly don't know when I stopped remembering... because now that it's back... it seems as though it was never gone... and I'm unable to explain why I acted the way I did when I couldn't recognize her.

That was the first of the three... I guess without going into extra-long story mode - the short version of the other two are this -

Four years later, she had a change of heart and wanted to patch things up with me... except that I didn't know who she was or that any of her songs had anything to do with me... she was just a rocker that came and played at my regular spot for a valentine's day show... after the show, she kind of weirded me out, but she found out that I was suffering amnesia... I didn't... she got my number of off facebook and started calling me after that show... which came across a little weird and stalker-ish... she would get mad at the most random times and hang up on me for no apparent reason (clearly frustration, I'm sure)... and even though she had gotten expert advice not to, at some point.... without any kind of substantial evidence to support it... she just blurted out that we used to be a couple when she lived in REDACTED and she loved me and wanted me back... I've never in my life even been to REDACTED... not only was she a stalker that had latched onto me for some unknown reason... but she had invented an entire fantasy history between us that had never happened... I'm thinking "this is the kind of person who shows up at your doorstep with a smile, some roses... and gun behind her back..." so... I called the police and ended up getting an order of protection filed against her.

Now... she was the only person on earth who knew that I was suffering amnesia... she had the insight to get expert advice... which I am willing to bet was to gently guide me toward getting the help that I needed... without telling me anything shocking or unbelievable... but her impatience overtook that... it wasn't about getting me the help I needed... it was about get her what she wanted... and even though I was still suffering amnesia... and still needed help without being aware of it... she made no efforts to reach out to any of my friends or family... she made no subsequent efforts... no efforts at all to get me help... I am certain this hurt her terribly... but she let me down when she was the only person who could have helped me.

The third and final time is when I started recovering from this amnesia last year... I was so confused... and she was the only person who could have answered any of my questions... I just needed to understand what was going on... I hadn't remembered the traumatic exchanges yet... only that things ended badly somehow... I reached out to her... not knowing how she'd feel about me... not knowing if she might be married with children even... not knowing who else would even read the email before her... or if she'd even ever see it at all... she never replied directly... but indirectly, she made a band announcement that was absolutely littered with hidden messages for me... the most insulting of which was that she "deserves better"... she had the unmitigated gall to tell me... about what she deserves... after all the damage she did to my life... she does not want to hear what I have to say about what she deserves.

0 Kudos

Comments

Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )