Disclaimer: this fanfiction is a parody satire. The characters in this story are fictional and any resemblance to actual people is merely coincidental.
Author's note: My daughter listened to Dex's glorious reading of chapters 1 & 2 and requested that I share this story. She was at her other parent's house and her grandma got pork to make for dinner. Allegedly this pork was sold in a bag. Grandma dumped it onto a cookie sheet and baked it. Kiddo recounted it smelled nice but looked weird. She tried to poke it with a fork, but within the heap were only bones and cartilage. It was not meat; it was scraps sold for making bone broth. She then cried out, "This is just like the blessed fanfiction!" and had to explain what the blessed fanfiction is to her father. He was both understanding and amused.
Blessed Fanfiction Chapter 3: An Enemy Spawns
It was an erratic Minnesotan night. The weather was fluctuating wildly between freezing temperatures and a pleasant number of freedom degrees. No one knew whether to turn on the heat or the air conditioning. However, dexterchacko knew just what to do to regulate the temperature, he would jam!
Blessed by his inspiring tunes, the Jammy Fammy was conducting their usual jam time ritual of bathing in the joy of song, dancing, and spamming emotes until their hearts were filled to bursting.
Samsody was modding diligently, but also baking bread.
There was a disembodied voice in her kitchen that said, "Yeast, flour, and everything sour! These were the ingredients chosen to make the perfect little online leftists. But Professor Kropotkin accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction-- Chemical 1312. Thus the Powerpuff Prols were born. Using their ultra-super powers, the Powerpuff Prols have dedicated their lives to fighting capitalism and the forces of evil!"
As though on cue, samsody's Powerpuff Prol phone began to ring. She tore herself away from dexterchacko's epic jam to listen to the voice on the other line. The news was very grim…. Even though he was jamming, samsody knew that she must tell dexterchacko about the enemy they would have to face next. They would need to rally all of the homies if they ever wanted to beat the upcoming boss battle.
The sun was setting in the Wyoming sky. CommieCon had just ridden his black bear Chubs, home from a long day of being a fed. His hands were drenched in bacon grease.
He patted Chubs affectionately, leaving a smear of grease in Chubs' inky black coat, "Thanks for the ride, buddy!"
Within CommieCon's home, Phinny was waiting for him, eager to catch up and discuss their days.
"Moar snackies?" Phinny asked CommieCon, sweetly, as he licked the bacon grease off CommieCon's fingies.
"Oh Phineas," CommieCon exclaimed, "the world is so unbelievably inequitable, but at least you're always here to need more snackies!"
Phinny smirked, "Now stream, so I can transmute into my breadloaf form in your lap!"
"Aye, aye, Captain!" CommieCon responded enthusiastically.
And so CommieCon's restream of dexterchacko's stream began….
Dexterchacko's wholesome stream was going very wholesomely. However, something was awry. Samsody was fervently using emotes as morse code to communicate covertly to dexterchacko. He knew he must keep his composure and continue the jam at all costs. The perseverance he gained by completing Ecco the Dolphin helped him push through.
He carefully deciphered the T pose Brians and flossing Sonics. A G R E A T E V I L H A S S P A W N E D. Well, that did not sound like good news at all. Was it C'thulu? Luckily, it was not C'thulu. Unluckily, it was something far more sinister.
It was a typical Floridian night, and cloudedmind83 was at his computer, mod sword in hand. The sounds of chainsaws and lawnmowers poured from his neighbors' home. There was only one remedy for their obnoxious cacophony, and that remedy was Sandstorm by Darude.
But before cloudedmind83 could spam Sandstorm at CommieCon, his mod senses tingled. No one knew it yet, except cloudedmind83, but a chud had just entered the chat.
The computer screen began to glow more brightly, until a blinding light enveloped cloudedmind83 and he was sucked into his computer screen and entered the Digital World. Cloudedmind83 climbed onto PosadaBot's back, and the dolphin swam him directly to the chud's house.
With a keen thrust, cloudedmind83 drove his mod sword through the chud's computer screen and directly into his heart, before he could even type any Nazi shit.
Chat was saved from another chud! Upon returning home, cloudedmind83 cleaned his blade and lamented that it only worked in the Digital World and could not be used to silence his neighbors.
"...And that's why we should abolish police! Fuck pigs!" CommieCon malded, passionately, over dexterchacko's sweet sweet tunes.
Chat blasted CommieCon with a 6 stack of Sandstorms and many Wiggums in agreement. The deep curve of CommieCon's biggest frown graced his fed face.
The pressure of CommieCon's life was so much. He knew that living as a secret fed would not be easy; he had been forced to kill and eat all those who had discovered his secret. But CommieCon did not have the heart to eat his twitch community, for he had grown to love them, just as he had grown to love the anarcho communism that he espoused for his cover identity as a leftist twitch streamer. He knew in his heart that dexterchacko was the reason for his conflicted feelings. CommieCon aspired to leave his life as a fed behind and join his beloved dexterchacko, so they could live out their days together in a whirlwind of friendship, full communism, and song.
CommieCon's mind drifted to some of his interactions with dexterchacko, and he found himself blushing. Never did his heart beat as rapidly as when he mused about his friend dexterchacko.
Dexterchacko was watching a clip that his chat had sent him of CommieCon. Thankful that no one could see his embarrassment, CommieCon watched dexterchacko watch him.
"So, little secret," clipped CommieCon said, "sometimes when I'm streaming I will, uh, check up on Dex's stream… umm, just to see what Dex is up to. That is a true thing that I do sometimes."
CommieCon's heart raced faster than Sonic, as he awaited dexterchacko's reaction.
Dexterchako smiled, admitting he did the same thing, checking in on CommieCon's stream, and CommieCon's heart flooded with joy.
A double Sandstorm startled CommieCon back to reality. He had a plan to escape his fed life and live his dreams. CommieCon had a new secret side quest, to breadpill his handler. By the time CommieCon was done with him, Handler-senpai would join the Communist Party, or die!
The very wholesome Jammy Fammy was exchanging well wishes to those who needed to sleep. The night was late, and dexterchacko was eager to end his stream and write in his diary. Alas, he knew, as the elected Union Leader of CommieCon's chat, he must call a Union Meeting immediately to address the news from samsody. It was the only way to ensure that all the homies, except for CommieCon, would attend. As a fed, CommieCon might tip off the government, which would be sadge.
"I have terrible news," dexterchako informed the homies, "While none of us realizes it now, there is a great evil forming in this world that wishes to dominate us all. I will allow samsody to detail the threat we shall face."
Samsody cleared her throat, "Okay so, this is what's goin' on here! Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony, dontcha know? Then, ope! Everything changed when the Capitalists attacked. Only the Workers, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed them most, you bet they vanished under the oppressive regime of colonialism. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new workers, homies called the Jammy Fammy, and although their skills are great, you betcha, they have a lot to learn before they're ready to save anyone. But, dontcha know, I believe the Jammy Fammy can save the world."
The union members waited for samsody to describe the threat that they had patiently waiting all chapter to learn about, but she completed her monologue and fell silent. This boss was too frightening to put into words.
Steeling himself, dexterchacko explained, "Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and zombie Margaret Thatcher are building a powerful weapon, a mech suit that only they can pilot. A mech suit that they hope will usher in a new era of EVEN LATER STAGE CAPITALISM!"
To be continued….